What You Wish For
by Jubilee3
Summary: “Drown not thyself to save a drowning man.” An AU wherein Aaroniero really was Kaien. Rukia comes to terms with what it would have meant for Kaien to be alive.
1. Plunge: Chapter 1

Title: _What You Wish For_.

Rating: M.

Pairings: Rukia/Kaien and with all the implications this would have on Rukia/Everyone Else.

Summary: _"__Drown__ not thyself to save a drowning man."_ An AU wherein Aaroniero really was Kaien. Rukia comes to terms with what it would have meant for Kaien to be alive.

* * *

_**What You Wish For**_

**Part ****I****:**

_**Plunge**_

* * *

"_Drown__ not thyself to save a drowning man."_

— Proverb.

"_This is the last time I'll abandon you  
And this is the last time I'll forget you  
I wish I could_."

— "Stockholm Syndrome" by Muse.

_Chapter One_…

Hanging in the air, suspended and impaled by the triton, Rukia knows she has finally come to the end of the line.

She's lost. It's over. That horrible laughter— a perversion of what was once a joyful sound— fills her ears as everything else begins to blur. She's failed…

_So sorry… Kaien-dono… Inoue…_

Just when her thoughts and her body start slipping away, when she can almost feel the breeze at Mt. Koifushi where she once trained with Kaien-dono, she hears—

_Kuchiki_?

The voice sounds as if it is coming from far away, but it is familiar. Is that…?

"Kuchiki?" asks a much closer voice. "Kuch— _Rukia_?"

Kaien… dono?

Rukia screams as the sudden wrenching of the triton sends a white sear through her body. She's panting through the pain when, suddenly, there are hands on her face. Large, warm hands cupping her cheeks. It takes several slow blinks of her eyes before Kaien-dono's— no, _Aaroniero Arulueri's_ face comes into focus above her. He looks frightened. Strange that he should…

"Kuchiki, don't die," he pleads. "I'm sorry. I'm _so_ sorry. _Please_…"

Trapped somewhere between here and away, Rukia stares at him in complete bewilderment. He _sounds_ like Kaien-dono, but he _isn't_— he _said_…

Aaroniero starts rocking back and forth, and she realizes that he's cradling her body against his chest as if she were a small child. That's how he made her feel once, like an awkward child. The heat of him bleeds through the fabric of his strange outfit and feels strange against her face. Aaroniero should not feel warm. Monsters should be cold.

The wrenching she felt must have been the removal of the triton from her abdomen because one of his hands is pressed against the open wound. He's distracted with murmuring apologies into her hair, and she realizes somewhere in her mind that this would be an opportune moment for a surprise attack. He wouldn't see _shirafune_ coming. If she could only lift her hand…

But she can't. Her arm lacks the strength.

Without warning, Aaroniero suddenly hurls her body from him. She lands on the hard ground, the momentum rolling her onto her side with a pained grunt.

Clutching his head in his hands, he stumbles up and away from her. His hands are stained red with her blood. "No," he moans. "No, no, no…"

It takes all of Rukia's remaining strength to turn her head so that she can watch Aaroniero struggle with some invisible foe. "You're _mine_!" he roars, and at first she thinks he's speaking to her. But then he says, in a different voice, "No, I won't let you hurt her!"

What…? Who is he talking to?

He makes an abrupt lunge at her, grabs a painful fistful of her hair, and hisses, "_Bitch_, _I'm going to tear you apart_!"

She's too bewildered at this point to be afraid. He recoils again. The lack of grip holding her head up means that her head falls, neck boneless, back to the ground, where it smacks against a block of her own ice. Ow.

"Noooo…" Aaroniero wails.

The espada has clearly lost his mind. This should concern her, but it's hard to focus on that when she's sinking down within herself, the pain draining away to only a memory. She can feel the brush of wind on her face, and Kaien-dono is calling. He's waiting for her. But Kaien-dono is also leaning over her, saying in that beloved voice, "Kuchiki, are you all right?"

When she only stares back at him, he adds, "Kuchiki, it's _me_!"

But it can't be…

He places his hands over the tear in her robes and immediately starts transferring healing _kidou_ into her wound. Sensations slowly begin trickling back into her body. Confused, she watches his focused expression as he works. Aaroniero has no reason to heal her when he clearly wants her dead. But Kaien-dono… Could this really be him?

She has the strength now to lift her arm, and she reaches without really thinking toward his face. At the touch of her hand, his eyes slide closed. He feels real. But he felt real when he placed his hand on her head and told her to kill her friends, too.

Rukia is still touching his face when his eyes fly open in alarm. With a groan, he ducks away from her searching fingers and out of her line of sight. Gritting her teeth, Rukia struggles up onto her elbows and sees that he's thrown himself against a wall. Curled in on himself, he cries in a pitiful voice, "You said it, didn't you? If I followed you, I would be released from all this pain? I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! Aizen-sama!"

"Kaien-dono?" she tries hesitantly.

His gaze shoots toward her. He stares with feverish eyes for a moment before nodding slowly. "Y-yes. I'm Kaien Shiba." He doesn't sound so sure.

Just as quickly as sanity arrives, it disappears again. He slams his head against the stone wall and releases a blood-curdling scream that makes Rukia want to cover her ears. Eyes rolling back in his head, he slumps to the floor like a marionette whose strings have been cut.

Can it be? Is there still hope? Does she even dare to dream?

She waits several minutes for signs of life. He doesn't move. Her healing isn't complete, but Rukia finds the strength to crawl—well, _pull_ herself really— toward the still figure. It's a struggle, but she couldn't stay away now even if she wanted to. Not if Kaien-dono really is in there somewhere.

Panting, she forces herself up into a sitting position against the wall. With only the slightest hesitation, she tugs his head into her lap. The effort costs her all remaining energy, and she sags heavily. They stay as they are for what feels like a long time. She's almost fallen asleep when he finally stirs.

"Kuchiki?"

"Yes," she says, relieved. "Are you really Kaien-dono?"

He smiles at her, big and goofy, and it is the most beautiful thing she has ever seen. "Yeah, it's me."

She believes him.

* * *

Rukia is surprised to see Byakuya and Hanatarou coming to her rescue, but it's nothing compared to their surprise at finding her with Kaien.

White as a sheet, Hanatarou sees to their healing. His eyes dart nervously between her and Kaien, possibly afraid that he will strike at any moment. Niisama, already composed after the initial shock, goes on ahead of them. He does glance at her briefly as he passes. Rukia has no idea what her expression reveals. Her mind has been shocked into a white blank. Niisama, of course, gives her no clue. All that matters is Aaroniero— _Kaien_— seems to have temporarily gotten a hold of himself. Maybe a little too much, since he's already cracking jokes at their expense.

"You brought me back, Kuchiki.," he says cheerfully. "I knew there was a reason you were my favorite! Took your time, though. I was getting real tired of those espada tea parties." No one laughs. Kaien makes a face. "Geez, what's with you guys? Is there something on my face?"

Rukia has to turn her head away so they won't see her eyes well up with tears at hearing that corny sense of humor again.

Everything after that goes by in something of a blur. By the time the three of them manage to catch up with everyone else, Renji and Chad are already fighting the exequias. She misses Ichigo by mere moments— traces of his reiatsu still linger in the air— but there isn't time to worry about him because she has to fight.

With Kaien's help, they make quick work of the remaining exequias. Chad takes Kaien's presence among them in stride, but then he has no reason to marvel over the return of a man he has never heard of before.

Renji, more appropriately, looks as if he's seen a ghost. But there isn't much time to explain before Yammy shows up. It's just as well because Rukia has no idea how to explain this. Kaien died, except he didn't die, except he was eaten by an espada, except he still exists inside that espada, except, except, except…

Either because he isn't completely back to form after their battle or else due to his reluctance to fight one of his comrades, Kaien gives them a chance at taking down Yammy on their own. He watches them with a strangely blank expression.

The wave of nostalgia from fighting in front of him again almost takes her down before Yammy does.

She's certainly too distracted for a fight on this level— she's always found Kaien too distracting on the battlefield— and it soon becomes apparent that Espada 0 is too much for even the three of them.

Kaien waits until Yammy has her trapped in a giant fist before he finally acts. Nejibana slices neatly through Yammy's thigh, though the injury hardly seems to faze him.

"Finally lost it, Number 9?" Yammy laughs. "Or…" His giant eyes swing toward her, and Rukia barely has time to realize the threat before she's being hurled, head-first, toward the ground. The wave of power works like quicksand against her. She can't get her balance or pull out of the spin in time. She squeezes her eyes shut in preparation for a collision with the ground…

… that never comes.

A strong arm comes out of nowhere, wraps around her waist, and then she's deposited safely on the ground. When the sand clears, she sees her rescuer.

Ichigo.

The sight of him, alive and well and _here_, threatens to break her. In a moment of insanity, she forgets Yammy and almost spills out everything to this boy. More than anything, she wants to tell him about everything that's happened since she last saw him. How she almost died by a turn of the karmic circle, how Kaien-dono has come back to her, and about how this changes everything. It feels strangely important that he know how close she came to death.

"Why… are you alone?" she asks instead. "Weren't you supposed to save Inoue?"

The look he gives her freezes her heart. "I did," he says after a long pause. "She's healing Ishida on the roof right now. They'll be fine."

Why doesn't she believe him? "Ichi—"

"Rukia, stay here," he says. "I'll just finish this up, and we can head back to the real world. I'm going to put an end to this stupid fighting right now." He moves to leap away, back toward the fighting, but she grabs his sleeve.

"Ichigo, _look_."

He seems to finally realize that someone has already beaten him to Yammy. He frowns. "Who's that?"

Where to begin?

Thankfully, the captains arrive just then and everything speeds up again.

Ichigo gets sent back to Karakura, and she stays behind.

She watches him disappear with Unohana through the crack in the world with some trepidation. Ichigo is Soul Society's only hope against Aizen? She watched Aizen cut him down while barely lifting a finger. The fact that they're sending this sixteen-year-old boy out to the front lines would be worrying enough, but Rukia saw something in Ichigo's eyes which suggests that this is only the beginning.

What exactly happened up there on the dome? Those eyes… aren't the eyes of a victor. They aren't the eyes of someone preparing themselves to kill an enemy either. What happened? _What happened to you, Ichigo?_

She'll wonder later if she shouldn't have volunteered to accompany him. She doesn't because she's learned the hard way that she has to trust Ichigo to take care of himself. The burden of victory always seems to fall to him, no matter how much she might wish otherwise. And she does.

And, of course, there's another reason…

"Just because Shiba's back from the dead doesn't mean he gets to have all the fun," Kenpachi cries with a manic laugh just before he plunges into the fray. Everyone seems to be taking Kaien's reappearance in stride, and Rukia feels like the only one whose world hasn't stopped spinning since Aaroniero took off his mask. She takes a shaky breath.

Ever serene, Byakuya watches the fight from beside her. He doesn't place his hand on her shoulder or anything similar, but she feels comforted just having him there.

When he speaks, he betrays no emotion. "He believes he is Kaien Shiba."

Rukia curls her hands into fists to hide their shaking. "Yes, Niisama."

"His reiatsu feels like Kaien Shiba's."

"Yes," she whispers.

He does, he is, he isn't— she doesn't know. Rukia doesn't know anything right now except that she cannot leave. Her gaze remains fixed on Kaien, still fighting with Yammy, as if he will disappear if she looks away. He uses some familiar moves and some not. It is only her injuries that keep her in place. She held herself back from helping him once before— did it again with Ichigo— but right now she feels more worn down than fortified by experience.

What if he dies again? She violently shakes the thought off. No. Never again. Not on her watch. Shaken as she is from the last few hours, she does not think she could stand one more loss. Not today.

_Please, don't die…_

There is a huge, epic battle taking place on the other side of the wall, with Ichigo right at the center. Rukia has her own war to contend with now that involves making sure she never has to bury Kaien Shiba ever again.

* * *

Aizen escapes. Again. She is starting to wonder if he always will. But the battles are over for the time being, and they can finally leave Hueco Mundo.

Rukia takes Kaien home.

There has not been a single day since she murdered him that Rukia has not desperately wished for this opportunity, the opportunity to bring him home, alive and well, to make up for the time she delivered his corpse.

It goes without saying that Kuukaku and Ganju are overjoyed.

Once the shock clears, there is screaming and laughing and crying. Kaien appears overwhelmed by it all, almost standoffish even. His siblings do not seem to notice. They were both children the last time he saw them. Now, they are grown, they are loud, they are strong, and they are all over him. Kaien awkwardly pats their backs as they cling to him. Rukia does not blame him for his discomfort. It has been years. Long, traumatic years. She shudders.

News of his resurrection spreads fast. Poor Ukitake, barely healed from an arrancar's fist through his chest— a condition Rukia empathizes with— comes as soon as he is able. One glance at Ukitake's face as he looks upon Kaien for the first time in decades, and Rukia has to quickly direct her stare at the floor instead. It's too much.

She hears her captain whisper to Kaien as they embrace, "My friend."

Their quiet reunion is short-lived because Sentarou and Kiyone arrive next. "Kaien-sama! Kaien-sama!" they chorus like manic monkeys. Kaien is right to look genuinely terrified when they pounce on him. When they actually knock him to the floor with their antics, Rukia considers attempting a rescue.

But then she sees something that makes her stop.

Kaien is smiling. His first real smile of the night.

Kaien pries Sentarou's arm from around his neck and yells, "Gah! You idiots! You haven't changed at all!"

"Never, Kaien-sama!"

"Never ever!"

More people arrive. Many of them are unfamiliar to her, possibly because they are from before her time or else from parts of his life that are inaccessible to her.

Soon, it becomes a full-blown party. The sake flows. Kuukaku breaks out the fireworks, and the sky stays aflame all night. There is a rotation occurring between people who want to cry all over Kaien and those who just want to touch him. They push sake into his hand and clasp his shoulders.

Amidst all the uninhibited emotion, Rukia feels embarrassed and out of place. She tries to partake in the sake like everyone else, but her hands are trembling so bad she can barely keep from dropping the cup. She gives up before anyone can notice.

Eventually, she tries to politely excuse herself. Kaien's hand clasps around her wrist just as she stands to leave. Rukia is taken off guard by the desperate look he gives her, but she calmly settles back beside him.

"Kaien-dono?"

"Don't go," he pleads under his breath.

Touched and concerned, she says, "All right." She won't leave as long as he needs her. But it is hard.

Rukia manages to hold out until Kuukaku drags Kaien away to view the fireworks and she is left alone— for all of a second. The last straw comes when Ganju suddenly attacks her from behind. There is a flare of panic before she realizes it is a hug. His big arms are squeezing the life out of her as he tearfully whispers, "Thank you, Kuchiki-san."

She has to leave.

By the time she makes it back to the Kuchiki mansion, her whole body is trembling. Her body has been moving on autopilot since this all began, but she is officially running on empty. She can't remember the last time she slept. Certainly not since before going to Hueco Mundo.

In her bedroom, she is finally alone. As soon as the shoji screen slides closed, her legs give out and she sinks to the floor.

He's home. She brought him home.

Rukia bows her head and weeps.


	2. Plunge: Chapter 2

Title: _What You Wish For_.

Rating: M.

Pairings: Rukia/Kaien and with all the implications this would have on Rukia/Everyone Else.

Summary: _"__Drown__ not thyself to save a drowning man."_An AU wherein Aaroniero really was Kaien. Rukia comes to terms with what it would have meant for Kaien to be alive.

* * *

**What You Wish For**

_Chapter Two..._

* * *

"Aw, what do you mean he isn't coming back?" Kiyone whines.

"He isn't ready," Captain explains. "He still needs time to readjust."

Ukitake has made several visits to the Shiba house since they have returned to Soul Society, while Rukia has been much too busy so far to make the trip. Some days, he comes back looking troubled.

Sentarou makes a rude comment, which provokes Kiyone to start beating on him. Ukitake sighs, but Rukia has never had better cause to be grateful for their ridiculous behavior. It's better if they're too distracted to ask the more complicated questions.

Because what Captain doesn't tell them is that Soul Society doesn't know what to do with Kaien. He can't just pick up where he left off. Technically, he isn't a shinigami anymore. Kaien has tenuous control of the body he shares with the hollow that devoured him, but the argument could be made that the body isn't even his. His reiatsu reads like Kaien's, but Mayuri insists that it's hollow.

Rukia knows all this because she spends hours the previous day being drilled during an emergency captains' meeting. She has to recount everything that happened both on the night when Kaien first became possessed by the hollow, Metastasia, and then later during the Aaroniero fight— multiple times. As far as she can tell, this painful exercise leads to absolutely no answers, leaving them right back where they started.

"I need _more_ _data_," Mayuri insists shrilly. "Just let me _study_ him for a while longer and then I can give you answers!" The barely contained fervor in his eyes makes Rukia cringe as images of Kaien being strapped to a table in his demonic lab assault her.

"If he is hollow, then Captain Mayuri should study him," Soi Fon interjects dispassionately.

Hollows aren't allowed in Soul Society, but Kaien isn't… Well, he isn't _technically_…

Thankfully, Ukitake comes to Kaien's defense. "Shiba Kaien has been through enough," he says with a firmness Rukia has rarely seen from him. Shunsui pats his shoulder sympathetically. "We should make sure of his psychological recovery before we force him to submit to invasive tests."

"But is it safe to let him wander around?" Hitsugaya wants to know.

Several sets of eyes turn back to her.

Shunsui at least looks apologetic when he says, "Maybe if Rukia-chan could tell us just once more…?"

Rukia rubs tiredly at her temples to ward off the impending headache.

The issue of coming back to work is the least of Kaien's problems.

* * *

Kaien has been home for a week, and Rukia hasn't slept a full night since. Every time she starts to drift off, she feels the sting of Nejibana piercing her abdomen. Or she hears Aaroniero's cruel laughter.

After he catches her nodding off at her desk, Ukitake finally orders her home for some proper rest. Embarrassed, she complies. The sky has been dark for hours, and her shift has technically ended, but Rukia doesn't want to go home. Home means staring up at the ceiling above her bed and praying for dreamless sleep.

She takes the long way back home, and her path eventually detours her down by the river. A familiar patch of grass gives her pause.

_You probably won't tell me if I ask you why you look so troubled, but… Remember that as long as you're in my division, I will stand by you even if I die._

Her eyes slide shut as a familiar wave of pain rolls over her. Knowing what she does now doesn't erase all the years she suffered in ignorance while he has been much closer than she ever knew. She won't ever get those years back. Kaien is alive, but standing here now and casting her mind backwards, Rukia can still feel the rain that poured on them while his blood, hot and sticky, spread between them.

_Kill it! Kuchiki, kill it!_

Her hands clench into fists at her sides as Ukitake's voice rings unbearably clear in her mind.

_Kill it! Kill it!_

"Kuchiki?"

Rukia's eyes snap open at the unexpected voice, and she sees a dark figure standing near the mouth of the woods. She instinctively tenses as she realizes that she never sensed any reiatsu. But almost as soon as she has the thought, a familiar spirit pressure washes over her.

She squints into the darkness. "Kaien-dono?"

The figure comes forward slowly, lumbering strangely. The shadows cast by the trees hide him from view, but the moon is bright tonight. He hesitates at the edge of the shadows, not coming any closer. Even from several feet away, she can see that he's panting and holding his right side protectively. Rukia feels a spike of alarm at the thought of him being injured.

"Are you all right, Kaien-dono?" she asks, rushing forward.

"_Don't_," he snaps, holding out a hand to ward her off.

She freezes, not because of his words, but because she's seen something that turns her legs to lead.

There's blood on his hands.

The hand he holds out toward her is stained red. Bloody knuckles grip an unnaturally crimson sword. Rukia stares in horror as her worst nightmare comes staggering toward her.

"Kaien… dono?" she whispers.

"Don't… go back there."

Eyes trained on his bloody hands, she hears her own voice as if someone else is speaking from far away. "Why not, Kaien-dono?"

"I… killed a hollow back there."

"A… hollow?"

Realizing that she isn't coming closer, he visibly relaxes and takes a stab at levity. "Yeah, the bastard almost got the better of me." He laughs uneasily and rubs the back of his head, which should feel reminiscent of his old self except the image is ruined by the fact that he's getting blood in his hair.

"It was pretty gruesome, but not too much for me, of course," he says with false bravado belied by his lack of breath and anxious expression. "You really don't want to see what's left of it, Kuchiki."

The combination of thick trees and shadowed darkness conceals the hollow's body from her, but she isn't so much concerned with the hollow as she is by Kaien's visible distress. "You're hurt," she says.

He glances down at his stained hands with some surprise. "Ah, no. It looks worse than it is."

She shakes her head in disbelief. Even back when she first meets him, he never worries about himself, too concerned with other people first. They will only find out about broken bones and lacerations after everyone else has already been healed. This reckless behavior drives her crazy then, and apparently it still drives her crazy now.

Rukia ignores him when he tenses at her sudden approach. She grabs his hand.

"Kuchiki—"

"Just let me see, Kaien-dono," she murmurs, but when she tries to examine his injuries, she sees that there's too much blood for her to be able to tell where or how he's hurt. "We should go to the fourth division."

Her words provoke an unexpectedly violent response. Wrenching away from her, Kaien yells, "No!"

Shocked, she stares at him. "But…"

"I'm sick and tired of being examined like some kind of insect!"

She's suddenly grateful he doesn't know about Mayuri's eagerness to study him. "Kaien-dono, you are _hurt_," she says firmly.

"I don't care!"

Frustrated, she says, "Will you at least let _me_ heal you, Kaien-dono? Please?"

"That isn't—"

"Please?"

He sighs at the stubborn look on her face. "Fine, fine. Whatever."

She does some quick thinking and decides that she'll need some basic supplies from division headquarters. "Will you wait here?" she asks, suddenly worried that he won't be here when she gets back. "While I get some things?"

"Geez, all right, I'm not going anywhere," he mutters. "Just go."

Not taking any chances, Rukia darts into shunpo. She goes directly to the emergency medical supplies cupboard, gathering up as many things as she can carry. Since carrying a bowl of water while in shunpo would be impractical, she wets several washcloths before rushing back to the clearing.

True to his word, Kaien is still there, waiting. He's sitting, cross-legged, with Nejibana stabbed into the ground near his side. Kaien's head hangs low on his chest, but his neck snaps up at her approach.

He rolls his eyes at her when he sees all the supplies. "Kuchiki, I told you—"

"I know, Kaien-dono," she soothes even as she takes his hand for cleaning. Careful not to hurt him, she runs the wet cloth gently over each digit, down to his palm and back up again. She'll use _kidou_ on the wounds once she finds them. Kaien watches her work, silent for once.

_Strange_, she thinks when she realizes that none of the blood on his hands seems to be his. She wonders if the blood all over his civilian clothing— so strange to see on him— is his or not. However, there are clear claw marks on his bicep, though they appear much smaller than she would expect from a hollow capable of causing this much trouble for him.

She glances up to ask him about it, but the words disappear when she sees the intense expression he has trained on her. His eyes, even greener than she remembers, are bright with suppressed emotion, and their effect is all the more startling due to their close proximity. Rukia suddenly realizes how close they're sitting to one another. If she were only to lean a bit more forward, their noses would graze. She flushes before she can stop herself.

"Kaien-dono?"

Her voice breaks whatever spell he's under, and he drops his eyes to their joined hands. She feels an improper urge to trace that unhappy mouth with her fingers, curling the corners up into a smile. A man like Kaien-dono should never look so despondent. She wishes she were the type to tell jokes, but cheesy humor has always been _his_ staple.

"I haven't seen you since we first got here," he says suddenly.

Surprised that he's noticed with so many people around him, she says, "Yes. It has been a very… busy few days." Just saying this reminds her of how tired she really feels.

"Where have you been?" he demands. She would call his tone accusing except… Why?

"Meetings," she says, baffled. "Work. Why do you ask?"

Kaien laughs bitterly. "Work, huh? Me, too," he says, indicating to his blood-stained clothes. He's angry, but she doesn't know why.

Wary of his mood, she focuses on summoning up her _kidou_ to heal the marks on his arm. "You should not be fighting hollows alone, Kaien-dono," she says, failing to sound as if she's not lecturing him. But what is he thinking, coming out here alone, at night, to challenge hollows without any backup? Especially now, when he is still… as he is. If she had done the same thing, he would have beaten her over the head for behaving so foolishly.

"You giving me orders now?"

"Of course not," she says easily. "Please lie back, Kaien-dono." It would be easier to heal him if he were bare-chested, but she doesn't ask him to disrobe. Technically, he should be healed professionally by the fourth division, but since he won't go, he's going to have to settle for her mediocre _kidou_ skills.

With a long-suffering sigh, he obeys. Rukia raises her hands over the cut in his side but gets no further as she's struck by a sickening wave of déjà vu. The slash in his side is worse than he let on. Through the tatters of his yukata, she can see torn flesh. And blood. His blood.

Realizing that she's shaking, she lowers her hands and stares at them in dismay. She knows now in this moment that she will _never_ be free of that night. Her hands will never be clean. No, not even now, with Kaien before her. In a strange way, it's kind of a relief to know.

_I am Shiba Kaien… My spirit body merged with a hollow and now I'm in Hueco Mundo. And you… you're Kuchiki Rukia. The woman that killed me with her own hands._

She looks at Kaien, and he looks back. He knows. Somehow, he knows exactly what she's thinking.

He smiles without humor. "There's blood between us, Kuchiki Rukia. Don't you think that's romantic?"

Stricken, she gapes at him. Is he… can he be…?

_Is there something strange about _me_ wanting to kill _you_? You haven't forgotten, have you?_

The horrible things Aaroniero said— she could blame those on the hollow. But this is Kaien-dono. Is he admitting that he blames her?

He sits up so suddenly that Rukia instinctively lurches back, but he catches her arms and roughly tugs her forward. He forces one of her hands onto his torn side and then holds the bloody hand up before her face. "Nostalgic, isn't it?" he says cheerfully. His mouth stretches into a horrible grin. A familiar grin.

Rukia screams— she can't help it.

Her worst nightmare laughs— a shrill, hideous sound. "Did you miss me, little girl?"

_No, no, no_, she thinks as her hysteria mounts. This can't be right! Kaien-dono came back! This isn't—

The monster with Kaien's face licks a slick trail up her neck, and Rukia shudders through her whole body. She struggles to get away, but his grip only tightens on her wrists. She can't reach her sword or perform incantations like this. She's about to head-butt him out of desperation when, just as suddenly, she's shoved back.

Panting with fear and adrenaline, she watches him scramble away from her. When he disappears back into the darkness, there's only a second of hesitation and then Rukia leaps to her feet and follows. She can't explain why she follows him, but something tells her she shouldn't allow him out of her sight. Thankfully, he hasn't gone far. She finds him beneath a tree, curled in on himself like a wounded animal.

She's still terribly, shamefully afraid when she whispers, "Kaien-dono?"

"Stay away from me, Kuchiki!" At least he sounds frightened, too, and she gains some courage from this.

"You have to fight the hollow," she says with more confidence. "Kaien-dono, _fight_!"

He giggles somewhat hysterically, and for a terrifying moment she thinks he's receded into the hollow again. But when he raises his face toward her, she sees that the laughter comes from pain.

She would have given anything for him not to say what he did next. "Kuchiki, I _am_ the hollow!" he exclaims, arms spread wide. "Fuck, I'm _all_ the hollows I've eaten!"

No, that wouldn't be fair. For him to come back only to… _No_. She can't accept that. "But… You remember your life as Kaien-dono!"

"I remember _you_!"

Someone opens up a hole in the world, and Rukia feels herself begin to drain away.

"But… Your family…"

Kaien looks so miserable as he says, "Strangers. Sometimes. I don't know. _I_ _don't know_! I recognize them, but I don't feel… They want— and I can't— I just… And you _left_ me with them!"

What should she do? Should she apologize for returning him to his family, the people who have missed him most? Should she apologize for underestimating his discomfort the night of his impromptu coming home celebration?

Kaien tugs at his own hair with evident frustration. "It's all so mixed up! The memories are all mixed up."

He told her he had consumed thousands of hollows. Thousands. Rukia's legs give up on her, and she crumbles to her knees. She watches Kaien crawl towards her through a veil of encroaching numbness. Her big, valiant vice-captain tugs at her sleeve with his bloody hands like a child pleading with his mother.

"Who am I? Kuchiki, _please_! Tell me who I am!"

Kaien's head drops into her lap, and he sobs. Her hands run comforting patterns through his hair, but Rukia's mind is a thousand miles away as she stares out into the darkness.


	3. Plunge: Chapter 3

Title: _What You Wish For_.

Author: Starvinbohemian.

Rating: M.

Pairings: Rukia/Kaien and with all the implications this would have on Rukia/Everyone Else.

Summary: _"Drown not thyself to save a drowning man."_ An AU wherein Aaroniero really was Kaien. Rukia comes to terms with what it would have meant for Kaien to be alive.

* * *

**What You Wish For  
**

**Part One**

_Chapter Three_...

* * *

The investigative team has a difficult time explaining how a hollow could have gotten into Seireitei.

Rukia has a hard time explaining how Kaien could have killed the hollow without realizing he was interrupting an attack.

In the woods, they find a body.

The girl has been torn to pieces and rendered unidentifiable. After inquiries into whom never shows up for duty that day, they eventually discover that she's a new member of the fourth division. A newbie. Barely out of the academy and no match for whatever hollow attacked her.

Though distracted at the time, Rukia has to admit it seems strange that she never sensed the hollow— or Kaien— while this battle occurred apparently just some feet away from her. She can't explain it.

"Perhaps the hollow had some kind of reiatsu-repressing ability," Ukitake suggests.

The investigator from the second division seems skeptical, but any other theory can only meet a dead end. The hollow in question, or whatever was left of it after Kaien killed it, has long since disintegrated, leaving no trace or method of finding out what abilities it might or might not have possessed.

Ukitake mistakes her gloomy demeanor for guilt over not being able to save the girl. "Kuchiki, it wasn't your fault," he consoles her as soon as the investigator is out of earshot.

While she finds that debatable, Rukia's more concerned at the moment with her decision not to tell her captain about what Kaien confided in her. She has no choice but to make a report on the hollow, but she can't bring herself to tell anyone that Kaien is… She can't even bring herself to _think _about what he is, and the idea that he might be taken away out of some overzealous sense of caution stills her tongue. Ukitake might be compelled to relay her information to the higher ups, and she doesn't want to put him in that position. At least, that's what she tells herself.

Above all else, Kaien once promised he would stand by her no matter what, at a time when he seemed to be the only one who would, and now Rukia has the chance to return the favor.

* * *

By the time she's dismissed from her duties that day, Rukia feels more exhausted than ever. She can't remember the last time she had more than a consecutive thirty minutes of uninterrupted sleep. Fearful of spending another night in a similar vein, Rukia finally visits the fourth division.

Unohana greets her with a smile. "Kuchiki-san, how can I help you? Are you feeling all right?"

Bowing respectfully, she says, "Trouble sleeping, Captain. My brother suggested I seek your assistance." In truth, Niisama merely makes a vague comment over breakfast about the usefulness of sleeping aids. Her insomnia must be written in the dark circles under her eyes.

"What kind of trouble?" Unohana asks. "Are you having nightmares, Kuchiki-san?"

Rukia hesitates, but Unohana's kind expression encourages her to give a tactically abbreviated version of the nightmares that keep her up at night. She mentions past battles but never Kaien's name. Unohana listens patiently until she finishes speaking, and then goes to retrieve a remedy.

When she goes to take the proffered pills, Unohana surprises her by not letting go of the bottle. "You had a very difficult journey, Kuchiki-san," she says, "and more emotional hardship than most shinigami ever have to face in the line of duty."

Rukia's throat tightens, and she says nothing.

"Hanatarou-san mentioned that you and Shiba Kaien were involved in a battle before he found you in Hueco Mundo."

She can't go over it again. She simply can't.

Unohana must sense that Rukia is seconds away from bolting, pills or no pills, because she smiles reassuringly and pats her on the shoulder. "I only mean to say that your nightmares are nothing to be ashamed of." She tucks the pill bottle into Rukia's hand.

"Thank you, Captain," she says, only privately skeptical. Her dreams are a reflection of her sins, she knows. She wouldn't be dreaming of Aaroniero if she hadn't killed Kaien in the first place and allowed his spirit body to become fused with that monster. No one has ever seemed comfortable assigning her blame for this, but Rukia knows who's responsible. She's always known.

Unohana gives her a final warning before sending her off. "Be careful, Kuchiki-san," she tells her. "These pills are very effective, but some people have reported having strange reactions to them. Use them sparingly, and if they cause anything other than a few nights of comfortable rest, then you must come back and tell me."

"I will."

* * *

That night, Kaien prepares tea for them with smooth, genteel gestures.

She's enjoying watching him perform this ceremony, so it's only with a halfhearted gesture that she attempts to take the tea pot from him. "Shouldn't you let me do that, Kaien-dono?"

"Nah," he says. "Relax and just leave this to me."

She accepts a cup. The tea is hot in her mouth, the smell comforting.

A whispering voice echoes throughout the room, bouncing from one wall to the next and passing through her ears like a soft breeze. The voice's one-sided conversation overlaps their own but no more obtrusively than the babble of a brook or chirping of a far-off bird. She only catches bits and pieces…

_Hey… You probably won't tell me if I ask you…_

Kaien watches her from across the table.

"Where are we?" she asks him.

At first, she thinks they're in division headquarters, except the walls are gray and seem to be shifting in and out with a much darker color. Ukitake's art pieces on the walls are incomprehensible to her, but she doesn't think they've always been so.

"Eh?" He glances around as if surprised. "You don't recognize this place? Geez, Kuchiki, it hasn't been _that _long!"

And then she realizes they aren't in a room at all. They're in a dark, cavernous space, and there's streams of water and patches of ice everywhere, as if an arctic balloon has just popped.

There's someone lying, face-down, several feet away from where she and Kaien are sitting. She recognizes the shinigami uniform, but nothing else. Whoever that is, they aren't moving, but she doesn't think they're dead.

"Who is that?"

Kaien shakes his head. "Kuchiki…"

"You aren't drinking your tea, Kaien-dono."

"What are you talking about? I've finished mine. See?" He turns his cup upside down and— he's right— it's empty. "You've finished yours, too."

It's true. Her cup is empty as well, which is strange because she's fairly certain he only just handed her the cup, but she doesn't dwell on it.

_What? It was a joke. If you don't play along, I'll look like an idiot…_

Her gaze keeps drifting back toward the person on the ground. "Shouldn't we help her?" Or is it a him? From where she's sitting, it's hard to tell.

Kaien gives her a strange look. "Do you want to help her?"

Thinking about it, she realizes, no. She doesn't. For some reason, the idea of getting any closer to that person gives her a distinctly anxious feeling. Better to stay where she is.

_If I ask you why you look so troubled…_

"No," she decides. "Is that all right?"

He shrugs. "She still has some time," is his vague answer.

She wants to go back to Ukitake's office. Something about this place… "I don't like it here."

"Good."

"What?"

"Kuchiki," he says, his tone grave. "It's time to wake up."

"What do you mean?" They are having such a nice time, so why does he look so serious?

"It's time to wake up," he repeats.

She does.

* * *

In the sixty-third district of Rukongai, a group of teenagers are pulling a scam on an unsuspecting water vendor.

A girl with dark hair provides a distraction while her friends steal jugs of water right out from under the vendor's nose. From a distance, it's hard to tell whether she's charming the vendor with her silly antics or else taunting him. Either way, he's being suitably distracted as her friends move with skilled efficiency to liberate him of his wares. He'll notice in a moment that the jugs are gone, and then he'll likely give chase. She doesn't expect he'll catch them.

A fond smile slips onto her mouth.

"Bring back memories?"

"I don't know," she teases. "Does it, Renji?"

He grins. "Seems familiar."

Their legs dangle over the side of the roof as they watch this familiar scene play out.

She taps her chin, pretending to consider. "Come to think of it, I seem to recall a certain red-haired idiot messing up a lot of my plans. He was never very smooth. Not like _those _kids."

He makes a choking noise. "Hey!"

"On second thought, that couldn't have been me. A Kuchiki would never take part in such sordid foolishness. Must have been someone else."

"Shut it, you," he says with a playful nudge.

They settle into a comfortable silence as they watch the street rats escape with their bounty. The day has grown hot, but even as she wipes the sweat from her forehead she doesn't mind because this is the most relaxed Rukia has felt in a long time.

Squinting against the sun, she cranes her neck to check on Kaien. In the alley below, a group of children have gathered around to watch him act the fool for their entertainment. He has six clay pots balanced precariously on his head until one of the kids boldly pushes him over— "Gah!"— and all the pots (and Kaien) come crashing down. Shaking the ceramic dust from his hair, Kaien laughs louder than all the children combined. The sight warms her heart. He should always look so carefree. He did once.

Noting the direction of her gaze, Renji's smile disappears. "You and Shiba have been spending a lot of time together."

They have. Rukia's current assignment has meant patrolling every day in Rukongai, and Kaien has been accompanying her. It's been like old times. He seems more at ease away from the Seireitei, and she's relieved by how he appears more himself again. She can almost pretend that night in the woods never happened.

Almost.

"Yes. He… needs a friend now."

"I thought he had lots of friends," Renji mutters.

"What's your point?"

"Don't know," he says with a shrug. "Guess I just don't see why all the responsibility has to fall on you. Again."

She feels a tinge of annoyance. "You make him sound like a burden."

Renji picks at a stray strand on his hakama, maybe to avoid looking her in the eye. She doesn't have to see his face because his silence speaks for itself. _Well, isn't he_?

"Renji—"

"I know what he means to you…"

Does he?

"But there's only so much of you to go around."

She bristles. "I haven't been slacking in any of my duties!"

Renji snorts. "Course not, but if you were me looking at you right now you would worry, too. You look like you haven't slept in years."

Rukia isn't vain enough to care if she isn't exactly looking her best. Thanks to Unohana's help, she's been sleeping through the night, but she still never manages to feel truly rested. This results in a much shorter temper, which explains why she snaps, "_Years_? Why, thank you so much, illustrious Vice-Captain! You always knew how to flatter a girl! Oh, wait, no, you _didn't_."

More than familiar with her temper, he just rolls his eyes. "My point is that you're taking on too much. Again. You're only one person, Rukia."

"Again, again, again. You sound like a parrot."

"_Rukia_—"

"Fine!" she says, deflating. "I hear you, all right?"

"Do you?"

"What do you want from me, Renji?"

He gives her a strange look that makes her want to shift uncomfortably. "I want…" he says carefully, "… you to let the people who care about you _help _once in a while so you don't have to do everything yourself."

They've been over this before, only last time he had her clutched in his arms and they were running for their lives. She turns back to Kaien. "I can't this time," she says quietly. "It has to be me."

Renji curses under his breath. "Why, damn it?"

They were having such a nice time. Why does he want to ruin it? "Because…" She could lie. She probably should. But…

She doesn't want to. She kept the truth from Ukitake to protect him, but Renji… Keeping Kaien's struggle a secret has been like a weight around her neck. To tell someone, anyone, would be the relief of a great burden.

"Why does it have to be you?" he insists.

She takes a deep breath. "Renji, you have to promise me you won't tell anyone, especially not Niisama—"

"Rukia," he interrupts sternly. "Tell me."

He won't betray her. She can trust him. And so she does. There are things about Kaien and Aaroniero and herself that she will never tell another soul, but she tells him about Metastasia, about glutonerria, and about all of Aaroniero's devoured hollows. Renji's expression fluctuates between confusion and alarm as he takes it all in. Once she's finished speaking, she waits and waits, but Renji seems at a loss. She doesn't blame him but it still makes her feel anxious. "He's still Kaien-dono," she adds before he can claim otherwise. "No matter what, he has always—"

Renji's voice is low when he interrupts her. "Is this like Ichigo's hollow?"

The question gives her pause. "Yes. No. I don't know. Ichigo only has one hollow. Kaien-dono has…" - she can't bring herself to say _thousands_- "... more. But it's his memory, Renji. He says the memories from all the different hollows are mixed together with his."

"Rukia…"

"I know he can beat this," she says hurriedly in response to his skeptical expression. "He just needs time and support!"

"From you?"

"Yes," she says defensively, defiantly.

"But—"

"I have to help put him back together, Renji," she says, watching as Kaien tosses one of the small boys into the air and catches him. The words solidify in her mind and fill her with resolve. She can do this.

When only silence comes from her companion, she nervously asks, "What are you thinking?"

Renji shakes his head. "You really want to know what I think?"

His tone implies that, no, maybe not. "Yes."

The look he gives her is grave. "This is dangerous. _He's _dangerous. What you're doing is really stupid."

It shouldn't sting, but it does.

"I see," she says stiffly. Rising to her feet, she pretends to brush some dust from her uniform. "If that's how you feel, then I won't bother you anymore about Kaien-dono. I should get back to my patrol."

"Rukia…" Renji tries to catch her sleeve, but she dodges him and starts across the roof. It was a mistake to confide in him. She never should have opened her big mouth. If she can't make even Renji understand, then who else would?

"Why did you bring him here?"

The question stops her. Rukia turns back with a confused frown. "What?"

Renji pushes himself to his feet with a grunt. He gives her a wide berth, which would have amused her under different circumstances. "Shiba didn't grow up in Rukongai. We did, but he didn't. Shouldn't you be showing him things from his own life?"

She tenses, sensing an accusation. "What are you saying?"

"I don't know, Rukia. It just seems strange, you using pieces of our life to 'put him back together.'"

Her throat goes dry. How could he say such a thing? "That's not what I'm doing."

He just shakes his head.

"I'm _not_, Renji."

"You haven't told anyone else about this? Not even your captain?"

"No! And you promised you wouldn't either!" Frantic, she grabs his sleeve. "Renji, you _promised_—"

"All right, all right," he says, holding up his hands in surrender. "Let go, crazy woman!"

She releases him only reluctantly. "You won't tell, will you?"

"This is so stupid, Rukia. What you're doing…"

Frustrated, she moves away from him and back to the roof's edge. She's standing directly above Kaien and the children when he senses her movement and glances up. Their eyes meet, and she does her best not to look as ruffled as she feels. Smiling, Kaien crouches down on his haunches so that he's eye-level with the children. He tells them something and points up toward her. The children all look up at her and start hopping up and down excitedly, chanting something that sounds to her like, "Ice! Ice! Ice!"

Rukia remembers many hot summer days before there was a nice, cool mansion to go home to in order to escape from the heat. In a swift movement, she draws Sodeno no Shirayuki and releases a shower of ice. The ice rains down on the cheering children like snow. They dance around trying to catch the ice as if it's something precious. To them, it is. Here at least is a group of street rats that won't necessarily grow up fearing and hating shinigami.

She doesn't turn when she feels Renji at her back.

"I need you to tell me just one thing," he says quietly.

"What is it?"

"Is he dangerous?"

Kaien grins up at her.

"Has he tried to hurt you? I mean, after he remembered who he was?"

There's no hesitation in her answer. "No," she lies.


	4. Plunge: Chapter 4

Title: _What You Wish For_.

Author: Starvinbohemian.

Rating: M.

Pairings: Rukia/Kaien and with all the implications this would have on Rukia/Everyone Else.

Summary: _"Drown not thyself to save a drowning man."_ An AU wherein Aaroniero really was Kaien. Rukia comes to terms with what it would have meant for Kaien to be alive.

Author's Note: Due to this site's restrictions, I've edited down the smut. If you want to read the full version, you pervy, pervy reader you, then the full version can be found at my livejournal (starvinbohemian . livejournal . com / 268549. html).

* * *

**What You Wish For  
Part One**

_Chapter Four_…

* * *

One day, Kaien doesn't show up to join her for patrol.

Rukia doesn't find it strange. Renji has more or less accused her of monopolizing his time, and if Kaien chooses to spend his day elsewhere, then he's helping to prove Renji wrong.

Her sense of calm evaporates when she turns a corner and runs right into Captain Ukitake. His grim expression triggers a vicious grip on her heart. "Is it Kaien-dono?" she asks immediately.

"He isn't with you then?" he asks, obviously disappointed.

The bottom drops out of her stomach. Something's happened. She can feel it.

"No one can find him. I was hoping he was with you."

He's missing. Panic, hot and hideous, blooms in her chest. "Captain, please allow me to—"

"It's all right, Kuchiki," Ukitake interrupts. He smiles sadly but with immediate understanding. "You can help search for him."

"Thank you, Captain!" The words are barely out of her mouth before she's racing into shunpo.

Rukia searches everywhere she associates with Kaien. The memories come easily, but he isn't anywhere he should be. Not his favorite restaurants, training spaces, or resting spots. With each failure, her panic escalates.

Kaien's simply vanished.

She's run out of options when a sudden thought comes to her and she swiftly changes direction, heading toward the mountains. She already checked Mt. Koifushi, but at the time she didn't think to climb higher. This time, she does.

Kaien only brought her there once.

_"What are we doing here, Kaien-dono?"_

"What's with that skeptical expression? Let down your hair for once and take in this beautiful view, Kuchiki!"

It is beautiful. Mt. Koifushi hovers over Rukongai, but on the opposite side of the mountain, the clearing overlooks green as far as the eye can see. Instead of depressing shanties, she sees endless trees.

"Yes, but what are we doing here?"

Kaien snorts. "Always business with you, huh, Kuchiki? Fine. Give me first dance. Let me see tsukishiro."

When she finally feels that much desired reiatsu, she nearly cries with relief. He's here, somewhere.

"Kaien-dono!" she cries, spinning around. "Where are you?"

He doesn't answer immediately. She's about to shout again when she hears his voice say, "What are you doing here, Kuchiki?"

She spins around and sees him.

Yesterday, he was fine. He laughed and joked. He was Kaien-dono.

Today, he isn't.

"I asked what you're doing here," he growls.

Rukia swallows. "Everyone is looking for you, Kaien-dono. They've been worried."

He tilts his head, studying her with dark eyes. "You've been looking for who?" he asks quietly.

"For… for you. Are you all right?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" he asks, coming toward her. His reiatsu fluctuates wildly, reminding her suddenly of Ichigo.

She's found him, but something still feels wrong. Rukia stills as Kaien circles her, so close his sleeves brush against her back. What is he doing?

"Were _you _worried, Kuchiki?" he murmurs.

She has to remind herself to breathe. "Yes, Kaien-dono."

"Why?" he asks, coming around so that they're once again face-to-face. "What were you afraid of?" His grin has all the coldness of Aaroniero and none of the warmth of Kaien. "Who did you think you'd find?"

Rukia's fears are legion now, spreading out in every direction. She blinks, and he seems to come apart like a kaleidoscope. "We… should get you back home," she says shakily. Something's breaking, and she needs to get him away from this place.

"Where _is _home? Is that Soul Society? Hueco Mundo? With… you?"

He's mocking her, she knows, but she says, "Here. Soul Society is your home. You're home now, Kaien-dono." Saying it makes it feel closer to the truth.

"You keep calling me that."

There. Her fear finds a holding, and a crack goes down the center of the world. Does she have the strength for this? "That's who you are," she says without conviction.

He pretends to consider this. "You know, I don't think so."

She can have this conversation if she pretends it's all a dream. "Then you are… Aaroniero?"

His false calm disintegrates, and a burst of furious reiatsu surges toward her. "Who knows?" he shrieks angrily. "We were fine, one and all, until _you _showed up and broke us! It's all wrong now!"

All she can bring herself to think in this moment is that he was fine yesterday. What happened?

_You showed up and broke us_.

He's broken. She broke him. How could she have let him down again?

_ It's all wrong now_.

"Kuchiki…"

Her head snaps up. That tone… Kaien. Somehow, he's Kaien again.

His face crumbles as he backs away from her. "You should have left us there."

"No…" How could she have left him in Hueco Mundo? How?

Rukia realizes with a start that he's too close to the edge of the cliff. Another step, and he'll go over. Kaien thrashes about like someone unhinged. "Yes, damn you! What good am I now? I only know what I'm supposed to do when I'm around _you_. When you aren't there, everything bleeds together, and I don't know what's real anymore! What have you done to me?"

She's asleep. She has to be, and this is another nightmare. "Kaien-dono..."

"Stop calling me that! I don't know who I am, but I don't think I'm Shiba Kaien. You brought back an imposter," he says miserably.

Dream or not, she can't bear to hear this. "Stop it, Kaien-dono!"

"Why? So you won't have to hear the truth? You aren't listening to me! _No one_is listening to me!"

He's too close to the edge. "Please, be careful!" she begs, lurching forward to pull him back.

In a move too quick for her eye to catch, Kaien gets a hand around her neck and slams her back against a tree several feet behind her. The sharp impact steals her breath and rattles her ribs.

The look on his face reminds her of a rabid dog that chased her up a tree one particularly hot Rukongai summer day. She saw in its eyes that the animal wanted her blood. Renji had to beat it off with sticks and rocks before it finally limped away, eyes still mad with fever lust.

Renji isn't here now, and Rukia chokes under Kaien's fingers. He leans forward so that his hot breath pants against her ear. He's coming unraveled.

"Do you have any idea what we want to do to you right now?" he snarls. "How you smell to us?"

Rukia thinks of the dog and figures she has a pretty good idea. She wants to tell him to fight these impulses, but all that comes out are broken gasps as he presses against her windpipe.

"If you had the slightest idea, then you wouldn't look at us like that with those pretty eyes."

We. Us. _Thousands_, he said...

His grip tightens, and she cannot _breathe_. He could kill her now- worse, he _wants _to. He'll finish what Aaroniero started back in Hueco Mundo with Nejibana stuck through her abdomen like so much meat... and the wonderful man who was Kaien-dono will be lost forever... and so will she.

_Kuchiki... you must never, ever, ever die alone..._

Does it count as dying alone if he's with her?

_No_. It can't end this way. Not after everything they've gone through- after everything _she's_gone through to get him back.

Kaien gasps when Rukia's knee comes up into his stomach, and he doubles over in pain. Her throat screaming, Rukia coughs and chokes as she sucks down air. Still clutching his stomach, Kaien moves as if he's about to stand again. Rukia kicks without thinking, and Kaien flips over onto his back. With her foot pressed on the center of his chest, she instinctively goes to place Shirayuki against his neck- and freezes. How... how could she ever... ?

Sickened, she drops her sword. Her voice is rough with suppressed tears. "Why should I listen when you're speaking nonsense? You don't know who you are? Well, I do. You're Shiba Kaien. That's all you need to know."

He glares up at her. "You can't just say that and make it true."

A kick in the head isn't going to work this time, Rukia realizes. Not with him. "Forget the rest," she pleads.

Kaien grabs her ankle and flips her over. The wind goes out of her in a sharp breath as her back hits the ground. Before she can get up again, he's already on her with his large body pressing her down. Gripping her by the shoulders, he shakes her hard enough to snap back her neck. "Can _you _forget?"

"_Remember that as long as you're in my division, I will stand by you even if I die."_

He did die. And he left her all alone... with his heart.

She has his heart. But how to give it back?

His fury is unrelenting. He shakes her again. "Can you, _Rukia_?"

"Yes!" she screams.

Her ferver shocks them both. His grip on her slackens. In his eyes, she sees something not unlike fear and despair but also _hope_. She sees _Kaien_.

"You..."

"Yes," Rukia repeats. _For you, anything_, she thinks.

It's too much, and his gaze hardens again with distrust. "Prove it," he snaps.

She will.

She can't tell who moves first.

Kaien kisses her, but she pulls his face down and-_ oh_.

From somewhere, a voice whispers, _This isn't how it's supposed to happen_. She doesn't care. The spontaneous combination of their movements causes something to click into place, and every emotion becomes translated into kinetic energy.

Rukia lets her body tell him all the things she could never say with her voice. She clutches his face, his beautiful face, and kisses him with several decades worth of restrained passion, saying, _yes, your home is with me. I have your heart._

He kisses her angrily, his tongue a weapon sent to subdue her. Without pretense, Kaien eagerly strips Rukia of her uniform, so far gone he barely seems to see her. His eyes, windows to a soul she no longer recognizes, have gone glassy. But she can bring him back. She will.

She has difficulty undressing him because every time she breaks away, Kaien draws her back. His movements are a tide and they say, _now, now, now_. She tries to give him _now_, but he unintentionally sabotages them both in his impatience. Eventually, she gets frustrated and just tears the fabric of the informal yukata that looks so wrong on him from his shoulders.

The first brush of skin against skin makes her gasp.

Maybe later she'll think about how this was never supposed to happen. About how even if this were always written into their destinies, it never should have been in the open like this, desperate and angry, without finesse or romance. But those kind of thoughts will have to wait, because all Rukia can think of now is _save him, save him now_.

Kaien bites her neck so hard her fingers convulsively clutch clumps of his hair even as she throws her head back to give him fuller access, saying, _yes, yes, please_. His warm mouth moves down her neck to her chest, and Rukia whimpers.

She touches him with a fervor that says she can make him Kaien, forever— can impress the image into his skin so that he never questions it again. Rukia's hands run over his chest and arms, over his tattoo, down his thighs, saying, _always you, always you_. His body seems to respond, _need you, yes, Rukia_. She's imagined this so many times, but never came close to imagining the raw power of this, now, between them.

With a move that leaves her spinning, Kaien tugs her up so that she's straddling his lap. As her arms go around his neck, and his close around her back, their eyes meet.

Never has Rukia ever thought he would look at her this way.

Her chest suddenly feels tight enough to snap. Face burning, she kisses him so that he can't look her in the has become something ephemeral, drifting in and out of existence and always in danger of disappearing, but if she's touching him, then he can't disappear.

_Don't ever leave me again_, she says by rubbing her cheek against his hair. She wants the smell of him to coat her everywhere. _Never leave me, never again, I'd die_…

Touching each other like this, Rukia doesn't think they could ever be more joined together as they are now. Every piece of him is touching every piece of her. At least, she thinks this until Kaien suddenly tips them over, and her back hits the ground with a painful thud. He climbs over her, and she suddenly realizes she's about to get something she has never been allowed to want, not from him.

But to her surprise and frustration, Kaien pauses above her, seemingly struck by something. Rukia's breathing comes in jagged stops and starts as she stares, confused, up into his face.

"Kuchiki," he breathes, barely a whisper, as if seeing her for the first time. His large hand traces her face, and she's so moved by the gesture and the tenderness in his gaze that the tears finally escape and slide down her face.

"_Please_, Kaien-dono," she says, aloud this time, honest in her need.

Kaien moves, and they cease to be separate beings. Rukia loses track of herself and of him because they are one, twined together in a shared fever dream. It's too much. They're burning. _I love you, I love you_, her body chants. _We're burning_…

Rukia simultaneously dies and becomes reborn.

Tomorrow, the world will be new.


	5. Plunge: Chapter 5

Title: _What You Wish For_.

Rating: M.

Pairings: Rukia/Kaien and with all the implications this would have on Rukia/Everyone Else.

Summary: _"__Drown__ not thyself to save a drowning man."_An AU wherein Aaroniero really was Kaien. Rukia comes to terms with what it would have meant for Kaien to be alive.

* * *

**What You Wish For**

_Chapter Five…_

_

* * *

_

As a new shinigami, Rukia's first and foremost desire was to prove her worth so that she might make her brother and her mentor proud. She worked longer and harder than everyone else, even after she was passed over for promotion again and again.

All the extra work proved worth it because, in the absence of any encouragement from her brother, Kaien stepped in. Mentor, leader, friend, brother— he filled every role.

Except one. For Shiba Miyako, he was husband.

Student, subordinate, little sister— Rukia was never meant to access the part of him reserved for his wife. She idolized Kaien's wife, their beloved third seat, and she would never have intentionally taken something that didn't belong to her.

But Rukia cannot control her heart. Not then and not now.

She knows it's an entirely selfish desire, but she really hopes Miyako isn't watching over them now. Not while they reenact every shameful wish her heart has made since her joining of the thirteenth division and meeting him. Miyako-dono would never forgive her. Why should she?

The field they've chosen lies on the outskirts of Rukongai. Tall grass obscures them from any passersby, but there hasn't been any sign of another person.

From her position on the ground, Rukia stares up into a molten sky and wonders if she's dreaming or awake. Sometimes, it can be hard to tell the difference. With her back against the earth, she experiences the strange vertigo that comes from confronting the heavens. The world is upside down, and if she were to take a step forward, she would fall into the sky.

Wild heather tickles the side of her face as she tilts her head up to glance at Kaien, whose head rests across her bare stomach. His languid breathing tells her he's fallen asleep. Rukia considers him as her fingers absently strum through his hair. It's strange to see him so relaxed now when less than an hour ago he came to her with torment in his eyes. For once, strange is good. She doesn't want to wake him, but just now she feels a need completely free of lust to touch him.

Frowning, Rukia returns her gaze to the sky.

It's going to rain.

She should wake him so they can dress and return to their separate homes. She should, but she doesn't. Though the sweat on their bodies has long since cooled to a chill everywhere they are not touching, she feels reluctant to move. From some stubborn streak within her comes the desire to stay and face the rain when it arrives, to tell the rain, _See? You took him from me once, but I've gotten him back. You have no power over us anymore. _

There's a more practical reason they should dress and go. Every moment of happiness she has with him like this is tempered by the fear of discovery. She doesn't fool herself into thinking that there's even one person who would congratulate them. Those who love Kaien most also loved Miyako. And Rukia knows she doesn't deserve what she's taken.

She wonders why they haven't been caught yet. As it turns out, Kaien can't be bothered with discretion. He follows her everywhere. She'll find herself ambushed at the most random of times. During a patrol, she'll be unexpectedly pulled into a random alley, where Kaien will unapologetically use all of his unfairly advantageous charms to encourage unprofessional conduct on her part. He's mostly successful.

With all the people who must be watching him— observing, waiting, _studying_— it seems impossible to her that no one has yet discovered why (or how) he spends so much time in her company. Perhaps her behavior arouses no suspicion because she has already been spending all her spare time with Kaien anyway. Nonetheless, Rukia has a whole slew of excuses prepared should anyone deem to ask her. She even believes them.

However, there's one excuse that's quickly losing credibility even with her.

Kaien stirs. Groaning, he stretches and probably finds a few new kinks in his back courtesy of his lying half on the ground and half on top of her. He gives her a blurry smile. "Hey."

She can't help smiling back. "Hey. Did you have a nice nap?"

"Bah! I wasn't sleeping. Just resting my eyes."

"Of course, Kaien-dono," she says, reaching forward to wipe some stray drool off his chin.

Their clothes are strewn all over. He looks chagrined as he tugs his yukata down from where it's lying atop some tall grass. The bright-colored fabric might as well have been a flag alerting everyone to their presence. Rukia sighs. So much for discretion.

Kaien suddenly notices she hasn't bothered to move from her place on the ground. "You look as if you're the one who's ready for a nap." A devilish smile crosses his mouth, and he trails a suggestive hand up her thigh. "Unless…"

Rukia shivers, but she says, "I have to get back to work." She sits up and, before he can protest, helps tie his yukata back into place.

Kaien grins. "It's killing you that we're doing this during your patrol, isn't it?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Rukia says primly, and she can't help adding, "But in the future, if you could only wait until _after_ my shift—"

He groans, rubbing his forehead. "I must really be losing my touch. I don't remember having any trouble distracting you before."

Rukia tenses.

Kaien tugs her closer and rests his forehead against hers. "Hey, remember that spot hidden behind the waterfall?" His laughing eyes share a secret with her.

No. She does not remember. Rukia never met him in any hidden spot. It wasn't her.

Pulling away from him, she focuses on locating the various pieces of her uniform. Her hands only shake slightly when she pulls on her kosode.

Kaien makes a face. "Uh, I think something bit me."

"Of course," she says shortly. "You're in a _field_."

The surprise on his face speaks to the harshness of her tone. Rukia immediately blushes in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, Kaien-dono."

He doesn't seem angry so much as concerned. "You all right, Kuchiki?"

Rukia would give anything to be able to say, _Yes, everything is perfect_. _We're perfect_. She's been telling herself that it's only a matter of time, but the truth is that his memory does not appear to be improving. The pieces are there, but they don't all fit together as they should. It's been weeks, and there are still recurring indications that he does not remember their past together the same way she does.

Most of the inconsistencies are relatively harmless, such as confusing the places where they once trained together or mentioning a comrade she has never met. It's been a long time since the days of her early training, and he can't be expected to remember every detail perfectly. If Rukia remembers even the mundane things, then it's because they held greater weight for her.

But some of the other things… There are times when Rukia gets the impression Kaien believes they were— she hesitates to even think it— lovers before she killed him. He never comes out and says as much, for which she is grateful, but the implication lies between the lines of what he does say. Things he means to be romantic, she finds disturbing. A _do you remember_ as his hands trace her body that she cannot return in the affirmative.

"I have a headache," she murmurs.

"You know, that's the excuse you're supposed to give _before_ we—"

"Kaien-dono!"

He laughs. "All right, Kuchiki. I'll let you get back to work. For a price."

Smiling despite herself, she tilts her face up obligingly, and they share a long, lingering kiss. At least his moods have improved.

Her smile fades as she watches him go.

Kaien does not mention Miyako.

Ever.

What might seem like a lover's courtesy to some disturbs her most of all. Rukia recalls him once mentioning having taken Miyako to a flower festival while they were still courting, but when she casually mentions the festival, all she receives is a blank stare.

_What would you do in my place, Miyako-dono?_ she asks the sky.

But this is a foolish question because Miyako would never have found herself in Rukia's predicament. Brilliant and compassionate, she would know immediately how to reach Kaien. She would never make the same mistakes as Rukia. She would not have killed Kaien in the first place. Rather, Miyako would have found some way to save him without condemning him to a hellish half-life as a hollow.

But Miyako— wife, idol, perfection— is dead.

A raindrop lands on her face.

Rukia lives, and as long as she still draws breath, Kaien will have her to depend on.

Still, she doesn't dare ask the inevitable question. If Kaien believes he and Rukia were lovers all those years ago, then what else does he 'remember?' Where is his wife in his fractured memory?

She doesn't ask. And she hates herself for it.

* * *

"Rukia, we need to talk."

She sees her captain's grim expression and instinctively knows it's all over. Their foolishly indiscreet behavior has finally come to her captain's attention, and she'll never be able to meet his gaze ever again. Her stomach turns to ice, and all her reasoning and excuses die instantly on her tongue. "Captain…" Really, what can she say?

"Are you familiar with Kurumadani Zennosuke?" he asks.

She blinks in surprise. "I, um… No. That name is unfamiliar, Captain." What does that have to do with…?

"He is the shinigami who took over your post in Karakura."

Rukia searches his face for some indication of where this is going. "… I see."

"I just received his request for a transfer."

This time, Ukitake pauses as if _she_ should recognize the significance of this information. They are both left staring at each other with increasing awkwardness as the silence stretches between them.

"A transfer out of _Karakura_," he adds helpfully.

"This… doesn't have to do with Kaien-dono?" she finally asks.

Now, Ukitake looks surprised. "Kaien? No. Not at all. I wanted to discuss your current assignment."

Rukia closes her eyes and takes a deep, shuddering breath. Okay, he doesn't know. They're okay.

"I thought you might want the opportunity to spend some time in the living world with your friends," he says cheerfully.

Rukia knows she's just uselessly parroting his information back to him, but she can't seem to stop herself. "In… Karakura? Now?"

This is a gift, she knows. Her captain thinks he's doing her a favor with this assignment. At any other time, it would be a favor. But now…

Ukitake winces at her conflicted expression, no doubt reading her like an open book. She feels guilty even considering leaving now when Kaien is still so fragile— something Ukitake has obviously picked up on.

"He'll be all right, Rukia," he assures her. There's no question of who "he" is, not between them. "You've brought him home, and everything will be all right now."

Tears well up in her eyes before she can stop them. Those words… She wants so much to believe them.

"He has his family, and I'll be sure to check on him as often as possible. We can even make a game out of how soon he'll get sick of me!" he says jovially.

Rukia manages a weak smile.

"And it won't be forever!" Ukitake continues. "A short assignment. Just a few months. Long enough to see your friends, purify a few hollows, and then you'll be back before you know it!"

She knows she should act grateful, but a few months might as well be a few years. "If Captain wishes me to—"

"No, no," he says quickly. "Don't make that face, Rukia! This isn't an order. You can refuse the assignment if you want." He already looks disappointed, as if he's expecting her to do just that. "I only thought you might appreciate the break."

From Kaien, he means. Rukia's mouth doesn't fall open, but it's a close thing. "Captain?"

Ukitake sighs. "Maybe you thought I hadn't noticed—"

Her heart skips a beat.

"— how thin you've been spread between all your duties and Kaien. I know he's been relying on you a lot lately. You're very loyal, Rukia, and I know everyone appreciates how dedicated you've been to helping him… recover." There still isn't an appropriate word for what Kaien is currently doing in Soul Society. Recovering? Recuperating? Readjusting? All and yet none at the same time?

"But another of your friends may be in need of your help as well."

Before she can ask, Ukitake says, "Kurumadani-san has included in his reports— several, actually— his… _difficulties_ in dealing with Kurosaki-kun as of late."

Ichigo? "What's wrong?" she demands.

"No need to look so worried! Kurumadani-san has merely mentioned a certain… _reluctance_ on Kurosaki-kun's part to work with him or acknowledge his role as the resident shinigami of Karakura town. I suspect Kurumadani-san has found it very frustrating to do his job in competition with all your talented friends. I suspect as much because he has written it out in very long and detailed statements in many of his recent reports." He pauses as if he expects Rukia to laugh and then sighs when she doesn't.

Ichigo's being a pain in the ass, huh? Somehow, this news doesn't surprise her. Rather, it's reassuring as she recalls the way his eyes look when she last sees him. Lost. They looked lost. Even then, her sixth sense tells her he needs her, but there hasn't been an opportunity since to check in on him. Until now.

After weeks of sneaking around and being unable to look anyone in the eye, the idea of going back to Karakura has some appeal.

But she has to wonder at the timing.

It's a paranoid notion, but she can't help wondering if this assignment could be just an excuse to get her away from Kaien. Maybe this is a disguised act of mercy. Instead of publicly shaming her for taking advantage of a vulnerable man, Ukitake could be giving her a way of graciously removing herself from the situation.

Or else she really has finally lost her mind and this assignment is exactly what it seems.

Frustrated, Rukia rubs her eyes until she sees stars. She cannot be in two places at once. Simple as that. But if she's honest with herself, then she hasn't been much use to anyone lately _other_ than Kaien-dono. And if she's _really, _brutally honest with herself— maybe not even him.

Maybe a short vacation is in order.

"You think… Ichigo needs my help?"

"I think that, sometimes, seeing an old friend can be the best medicine for that which ails us."

* * *

Rukia is just dropping off her last bit of paperwork for the day when she's given reason to pause outside Ukitake's office by loud shouting.

She freezes with her hand on the shoji.

"Something's wrong with him, Ukitake!" booms a voice that could belong only to Shiba Kukakuu.

There's only one person they could be talking about.

"We can't push him. You know what he's been through," Ukitake says patiently.

Rukia silently disagrees. No one can even guess at what Kaien is going through unless they've seen the raw rage in Aaroniero's eyes or heard the things he told her on the mountain that day. Her fingers drift absently toward her stomach, and for a moment there's a low buzzing sound in her ears.

_Kuchiki?_

"Rukia?"

She nearly jumps out of her skin, but Ukitake smiles at her despite having just caught her eavesdropping.

"I— I apologize, Captain," she stammers. "I was just—"

"Are you all right?" he asks.

Come to think of it, her forehead has gone clammy and she's feeling rather dizzy. "I'm fine, Captain," she says weakly.

He clearly doesn't believe her, but Kukakuu yells, "Kuchiki, get your ass in here!"

If Rukia thinks her voice sounds scary, then it's nothing compared to her expression. "He found out you were leaving, and he threw a fit," Kukakuu says, blunt and to the point.

Rukia gets the impression she's about to be hit again by those powerful fists, and she braces herself just in case. She doesn't know how Kaien found out about her assignment since she hasn't had the opportunity yet to tell him.

"It's only for a few months," Ukitake says.

"I know that!" Kukakuu snaps, and again Rukia wonders _how_? "But _you_ try and tell him! Or, better yet…" She glares at Rukia. "How about _you_ tell him since you're suddenly so important?"

Rukia cringes.

"That isn't fair," Ukitake says, a note of steel creeping into his otherwise gentle voice. "He wouldn't even be here now if it weren't for Rukia. You know that."

Kukakuu sighs. She looks as tired as Rukia feels. "Yeah, yeah."

And that's as much of an apology as she's ever going to get.

"But what are we going to do about him, Ukitake? I tell you there's something _wrong_ with him. He mopes around all day and snaps at everyone. That fool, Ganju, has been running himself ragged trying to get him to lighten up. It's pathetic, and I'm tired of watching it. We're trying to be patient, but… He's just not himself," she says, defeated. "And he's obsessed with _her_."

Rukia flushes at this accusation, for an accusation it is. "Um… I… He isn't—" She wishes she could say that she hasn't done anything to warrant such a look from an overprotective sister. But a flash of sense memory of Kaien's taste in her mouth kills the lie before it can even leave her tongue.

"Kukakuu," Ukitake says warningly.

"You should have seen him this morning!" she yells, ignoring his subtle plea for caution. "It took both Ganju and me to put a stop to it after he started destroying the house. Three of my staff threatened to quit. _My_ staff."

Now, Ukitake looks worried. "Why would—?"

Kukakuu points a finger directly into Rukia's face. "Because of _her_."

Ukitake and Rukia both wince.

"When he found out she was leaving, he had some kind of anxiety attack and started destroying the house. Nothing he said made any sense…"

The room starts to shrink around her.

"He was just _rambling_…"

Which one was rambling?

Her stomach knots five different ways, and Rukia doesn't want to hear any more of this. Kaien feels abandoned, and it's all her fault. Again.

"I think…" Something about Kukakuu's defeated tone makes Rukia snap to attention. "Maybe we should talk to Mayuri…"

"No," Ukitake gasps before Rukia can.

"Unohana then! _I don't_ _care_! My brother needs help, and he's not getting it by following her around everywhere like a puppy!"

The truth hurts. Rukia sucks in a wet breath.

"He… doesn't want to see Captain Unohana," she whispers.

They both stare at her. Rukia stares at the floor.

"There has to be another way," Ukitake says helplessly.

"I'm all ears, damn it!"

With Kaien unwilling to submit to medical care, their options are limited.

"And what about _her_?" Kukakku demands. "Are you still sending her to the living world?"

What do they want from her? Do they want her to stay away from him or do they want her to remain nearby?

No one seems to know the answer.

In the end, the assignment's already been given, her bags already packed, and she leaves for Karakura.

But when she goes back to the living world, Kaien comes with her.

* * *

On the night before she leaves for Karakura, Rukia takes two of Unohana's pills and has another dream.

They're on a lake.

Rukia watches with what is probably an indecent amount of attention as Kaien's strong arms flex with the strain of rowing their small boat across the water.

"You're staring, Kuchiki," he teases, but his eyes are warm as they gaze at her.

Blushing, she leans over the side of the boat to gaze into the water beneath them. Rainbow-colored coi fish like those in Niisama's tranquility pond dart around the boat as if curious about them. On its surface, the lake is smooth and serene, the sun gentle and benign. Out here with Kaien-dono… she's happy.

Nonetheless, she feels obligated to at least ask, "Shouldn't we be training, Kaien-dono?"

He laughs. "Too late for that, Kuchiki."

She assumes he means it's too late now that he's rowed them so far out. Typical. Just this once, since it's such a nice day, she doesn't question his lazy approach to his duties. She leans her head back, closes her eyes, and drinks in the warmth of the sun on her face.

Kaien's voice eventually breaks her comfortable reverie. "It's nice here."

She hums her agreement.

"Too bad it can't last."

No, summer never lasts. Leaves fall and gentle breezes become icy winds. Warmth becomes scarce. For now, though, everything's perfect.

"Kuchiki, it can't last."

Frowning, she opens her eyes. Kaien has stopped rowing. Leaning forward over the oars, he regards her with a strange expression. "You already said that—"

Just then, the boat knocks against something solid.

Rukia turns to see that their boat has collided against a solid rock mass.

Surprised, she cranes her neck back and sees that the rock, sleek and black like obsidian, stretches impossibly high and wide. Strange. Rukia places her hand against the rock, and her fingers come away wet. How did this get here, in the middle of her lake, and why didn't she notice it before?

When she turns back to question Kaien, she gets another shock. The lake has vanished entirely, and he stands before her wearing a strange white outfit with a high collar and long sleeves. The rock mass, no longer cliff-like, has spread all around them, and she realizes suddenly that they're back in that same cave from before.

She instinctively seeks out the anonymous shinigami and— sure enough— she's still lying right where they left her.

The whispering wind has returned as well, and snippets of a one-sided conversation breeze past her ears.

_What the heck are you actin' all weird for? Everyone loves me! You should be happy…_

"What happened to the lake?" she asks in a small voice.

"Kuchiki, you haven't been paying attention," he says sadly.

"Why are you dressed that way?"

Kaien doesn't answer, but she's distracted from her question by the fallen figure on the ground behind him. Seeing that girl again fills her with unease.

"What happened to her?" she asks even as she takes a step backward.

"You don't know?"

No, she doesn't know, and maybe she doesn't want to know. Kaien grabs her arm when she goes to take another step back. "_Don't_."

_I can pass my heart to you here…_

Kaien wants her to move closer to the body on the ground, but it's suddenly very important that she go nowhere near that girl and so she resists.

Suddenly, the wind increases in pressure and volume, whipping her hair across her face and nearing a shout. _My heart, my heart, my heart_, cries the invisible voice, trapped in a terrible loop. Her head whips around in search of a source for the noise, but there's nothing except darkness. The louder it gets, the more frightened she becomes.

He won't let go of her arm. "Kaien-dono!" she pleads, tugging at his grip.

_MY HEART, MY HEART, MY HEART…_

"Kuchiki, there isn't much time left," he says urgently. He has to yell to be heard over the other voice.

She wants to cover her ears. "Please, let go!"

_MYHEARTMYHEARTMYHEARTMYHEART…_

Frustrated for some reason, he shakes her. "Kuchiki, wake up! You have to _wake up_!"

Then, she does. She wakes to a pounding heart and the horrible feeling that she's forgotten to do something important. Staring into the darkness of her bedroom, she places shaking hands over her ears, the voice still echoing in her mind. Or maybe something terrible has already happened that she's failed to prevent.

She doesn't know.

* * *

End of Part One.


	6. Submerge: Chapter 6

Title: _What You Wish For._

Rating: M.

Pairings: Rukia/Kaien and with all the implications this would have on Rukia/Everyone Else.

Summary: _"Drown not thyself to save a drowning man."_ An AU wherein Aaroniero really was Kaien. Rukia comes to terms with what it would have meant for Kaien to be alive.

Author's Note: Due to a re-read of some key chapters, I've been feeling the Ganju love, y'all. Also, according to _Bleach Official Bootleg,_ Kaien's favorite food really is ohagi.

* * *

**What You Wish For**

**Part Two**

"_I want it to be over_

_Turn the boat around and bring that girl in_

_I stumble through the error_

_Hope deferred makes the heart sick sick sick_

_The circle rules and ruins_

_Yet again we are on our own_

_I don't need your opinions_

_What I got is alright_

_I know you're bleeding baby,_

_But you're not bleeding blood."_

— "Blood" by Band of Skulls.

* * *

_Chapter Six…_

_

* * *

_

She's just leaving the mansion when she hears a series of raised voices coming from the edge of the Kuchiki compound.

Going to investigate, she discovers Shiba Ganju arguing with the guards at the gate.

"She knows who I am, you idiots!"

"You do not have clearance to—"

"I don't give a shit about your clearance! I just want to talk to— Oh, hey, Kuchiki-san! Over here!" he yells, waving an arm over his head as if she could miss him from only a few feet away. Under his free arm, he holds some kind of bag.

Rukia does her best to mask her surprise at seeing him and says to the guards, "Please, open the gate."

"Kuchiki-sama," they acknowledge, bowing. But then one of them says, "Your honored brother has given us strict orders not to allow access to any member of the Shiba family."

"The hell?" Ganju says, clearly affronted. "What's his problem?"

Astonished, she gapes at the guard. "When did he give that order?"

"Sixty-two years ago, Kuchiki-sama," he promptly answers. "He assured certain death to anyone who allowed a Shiba onto the compound."

Rukia almost chokes and only saves herself by turning it into a cough. "That… was a very long time ago." Thinking back, Rukia realizes that Kaien never did come to the Kuchiki estate. Not during her time as a Kuchiki anyway. But that never seemed strange because Niisama has never cared for Kaien, whom this rule must have been designed for.

"We have received no contradictory order."

Fair enough. "Please, open the gate." When they go to protest, she finishes, "So I may exit. I'm leaving for an assignment."

They dutifully open the gate for her.

"Good morning, Shiba-san—"

"Shiba-san? Naw, after everything we've been through, it's just Ganju, Kuchiki-san."

She does not point out the contradiction in his statement.

"Plus, Neechan would never let me live it down if she knew we were being so formal!"

"I see."

An awkward silence settles over them as neither seems to know what else there is to say. Why did he come?

Ganju doesn't look at her as he fiddles with the bag he brought. "Um…"

"I was just leaving for—"

"The living world? Yeah, I know," he says, looking relieved. "That's why I'm here."

"Oh?"

"I packed Aniki some ohagi for the trip," he says, holding up the bag. "They're his favorite."

_I know_, she thinks.

He must not have ever visited the living world if he doesn't know the trip only takes minutes. "I made them myself," Ganju boasts, "while Aniki and Neechan were busy yelling at each other."

Rukia's breathing stops. "They were arguing?" she asks before she can stop herself.

He shrugs as if it's no big deal. "Eh, they fight a lot."

_They do_? she thinks anxiously. Were they known to fight before? She doesn't remember.

"Neechan doesn't want him to go with you."

She drops her eyes. "I know. But Kaien-dono—"

"It's all right, Kuchiki-san," he says, waving off her excuses before she can offer them. "Stubborn runs in the Shiba blood. Aniki won this battle, and Neechan will win the next one. Just the way it goes. And it's only a vacation, right?"

"Yes," she murmurs, though she cannot account for her own unease. She feels guilty for taking Kaien away so soon after they just got him back, but there's something else bothering her about this plan and she doesn't know what.

"Still," he says, laughing nervously. "If you happen to speak to Neechan, maybe you could not mention I was here…"

"I've already forgotten," she says loyally. She isn't in a hurry to talk to Kukakuu anyway.

Grinning, he holds out the bag again and says, "Please, give these to Aniki when you see him this morning."

"If I may ask, why didn't you give them to him yourself?"

Ganju flushes. "Oh, well… You know, I thought he might think it was lame or something coming from his little brother. It would be better if you gave them to him."

Rukia once saved up two month's worth of her salary so she could buy her brother an extremely expensive scarf for his birthday. But when the time came to give it to him, she became so plagued by self-doubt and embarrassment that she ended up leaving the gift on his desk at work. Without a card.

She never sees him wear the scarf, but that doesn't surprise her. Byakuya is not the type to accept gifts from anonymous admirers.

She's still learning how to be Byakuya's sister, just as she imagines Ganju is re-learning how to be a younger brother to Kaien.

Her chest feels tight as she accepts the ohagi from him. "I'll make sure he gets these… Ganju."

To their mutual embarrassment, Ganju's eyes fill with tears. Turning his face away, he mutters, "Yes, well, I should really be going…"

She's watching him walk away when he suddenly stops and cries over his shoulder, "Please, take care of him, Kuchiki-san!"

He takes off running before she can respond.

Rukia clutches the bag of ohagi tight against her chest. She knows she's just been entrusted with the most precious thing in the world to Shiba Ganju.

* * *

When Renji, holding a bag and a scowl, meets her at the gate to the living world, Rukia simultaneously realizes several things.

Primarily that they don't want her alone with Kaien. She can't quite squash down that paranoid little voice this time, not when she and Kaien have been alone and without supervision countless times before without any concern from anyone. Only now it makes them uncomfortable. Why? Well, _she_ knows why they should feel that way, but do they?

Also, at some point in the very recent past, her brother and her captain must have held a conference where they decided she and Kaien would need a chaperone in the form of Abarai Renji. Her brother's collaboration can be the only explanation for why his otherwise very busy vice-captain is currently standing here with her.

Ideas about what Ukitake could have told Niisama to convince him she and Kaien were not to be left alone fill her with horror. But, then again, if Byakuya really had any inkling about what she's been up to recently, Kaien would not likely have all his limbs still in tact.

So… what's going on?

There's a small comfort in the fact that Renji seems just as uncomfortable with this arrangement as she feels. He looks so gloomy, barely grunting a greeting at her, that Rukia finally snaps from all the pent-up emotion of her endless morning.

Rukia waits until he glances her way and then makes a face at him, fingers tugging up her eyebrows in gross imitation of his own. Renji blinks, barely catching her parody before she's once again statuesque. A ridiculous thing to do, but she manages to surprise a real, honest laugh out of him.

"Idiot," he says affectionately.

Inexplicably relieved, Rukia gives up the act and grins at him. Renji rolls his eyes, but the corner of his mouth stays up in a half-smile.

"Let me guess," she says. "Karakura assignment? Conveniently timed to leave, say, about now?"

"Shut up," he growls.

When he arrives, Kaien already looks a little worn out, which she attributes to what must have been an epic battle with his little sister. He seems surprised to see Renji. "You coming with us, Abarai-kun?"

Instantly sullen again, Renji stares somewhere over Rukia's head. "Looks like."

Kaien gives her a questioning look, but Rukia only shrugs.

They're about to step through the gate when Rukia suddenly gets an idea and stops. Dipping her hand into the bag, she pulls out one of Ganju's ohagi.

"Kaien-dono, you should eat one of these as we walk through."

The expression on his face tells her he's questioning her sanity, but he still pops the treat into his mouth as they cross the threshold.

* * *

Having Kaien along poses some unique challenges.

The most prominent involves lodgings. Rukia can hardly expect the Kurosakis, generous as they've proven themselves to be, to take in all three of them, and something tells her that leaving Renji and Kaien alone together without her along as a mediator would be a bad idea. After what she confided in him, who knows what Renji would say?

She also worries about leaving Kaien, period.

Much to his surprise, Urahara finds himself with three shinigami crowding his doorway.

"We're staying here," she informs him shortly. She shoves past, not waiting for a response.

Urahara's fan flaps in front of his face. "So aggressive, Kuchiki-san!"

"Yo, Urahara-san," Renji says, following her with an embarrassed hunch of his shoulders.

"Abarai-kun," he acknowledges, though his eyes hover on Kaien. "Don't I know you? You have a very familiar face."

Kaien frowns. "Huh?"

"We're all going to need gigais," Rukia says, reaching past Urahara to pull Kaien inside. "If I were you, I'd get started on that."

"Always a pleasure to see you, Kuchiki-san," he says wearily.

At first, Urahara lazily attempts to shove them all in with the children. "I'm not running a hotel, Kuchiki-san. I don't have unlimited free space."

But when Rukia threatens to take over _his_ room, he finally caves in to her wishes and prepares proper rooms for them. Kaien and Renji will share Jinta's room— they exchange wary glances— and Jinta will temporarily move in with Ururu, despite grievous complaints from both parties. Tessai generously offers Rukia his room while he shares with Urahara.

"You'll owe me, Kuchiki-san," Urahara warns in a particularly sulky tone, "because Tessai happens to be a cuddler."

Rukia rolls her eyes and tells him she'll take her chances. She purposely does not ask how Urahara came by this information.

Their arrangements are cramped and uncomfortable, but the situation is what it is.

In Tessai's room, Rukia carefully unpacks her dress from Ishida and presses out the wrinkles with careful, loving hands. She pauses over the school uniform she packed before her plans became complicated. Will she have a chance to wear it on this trip after all? Probably not. There's no way Kaien could pass for a student.

She's disappointed.

A scratching sound from the shoji catches her attention, and she turns to see Kaien slipping into her room.

She quickly shoves the school uniform back into her bag.

Chuckling, he says, "Urahara-san's kind of a weird guy."

"You have no idea," she mutters, smoothing out her dress again.

Rukia squeaks in surprise when Kaien presses up against her back.

"Not here, Kaien-dono," she says half-heartedly.

"I've never seen you like that," he says, grinning against her hair. "All take-no-prisoners…"

She blinks. He hasn't? Well, no, he wouldn't have, would he?

A blanket of heat against her back, his hands go up and down her sides. Up. Down. She releases a pleased sigh and allows herself to relax for the first time since realizing this plan was actually going to happen. Kaien can never know, but she sided with Kukakuu and against Ukitake on this one. He spent so many years in Hueco Mundo, and she's only just brought him back. To take him out of Soul Society again, away from his family, so soon after…

Rukia gasps as Kaien's hand slips between her legs, and all doubts and worries get temporarily pushed away. "I always knew you had it in you," he murmurs, biting down on her earlobe.

Did he? She warms at the thought, and then she warms for an entirely different reason.

* * *

Ichigo's window is already open when she arrives.

Rukia slips easily through the window and glances around the empty room. He must not be home yet from school. She wonders why he would leave his window open.

While she waits for Ichigo to return, she contentedly snoops through his things. The picture hasn't changed much, and the nostalgia tastes sweet. She runs her hands over his books, touches the bedspread, and opens the closet and inhales the familiar scent. This room feels like home. She wonders if it always will.

By the time she hears his footsteps coming down the hall, Rukia has finished her investigation and waits sitting on his bed.

He's yelling something over his shoulder to Yuzu as he comes in, so he doesn't notice her immediately.

"Ichigo."

Startled, he whips around toward her voice. "Gah!" Ichigo blinks several times at her, as if expecting her to disappear. "Rukia."

It's almost strange to see him wearing his school uniform again. He looks tired, she thinks. She hopes that weariness comes only from a long day at school.

Ichigo glances at the open window. "Did you…?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

They stare at each other.

Ichigo scratches his head awkwardly. "So… You're back."

"And you're somehow still in one piece."

Ichigo snorts. "Of course," he says with an echo of old cockiness. Rukia feels herself smile. That's more like it.

"How's school?"

He looks at her as if she's lost her mind, and the expression is so reminiscent of the same look Kaien gave her just hours earlier that she can barely stand it. "It's fine. It's _school_."

"And your family?"

"Fine."

He seemed so relieved to see her in Hueco Mundo, and her heart pounded all the way from Urahara's, but now that the time's come for another reunion, she feels tongue-tied and uneasy. Something feels off. She almost wishes he would do something stupid so she would have the excuse to break the ice by kicking him in the face.

"Your friends—?"

"They're _fine_, Rukia!" he snaps. "Everyone's fine!"

Her eyes narrow as she rethinks that kick. "Renji's here, too, by the way."

"What? Why?"

"What do you mean 'why'? None of your business why."

It could be her imagination, but she thinks she sees relief in his eyes before it disappears behind a grumpy scowl. "Well, he can't stay here. Just seeing him in our house would give Yuzu a heart attack."

With those eyebrows, she doesn't doubt it. "That won't be a problem because we're staying at Urahara's."

His eyes widen. "We? You're staying there, too?"

"That's what I just said."

"Why?"

Misreading her hesitation, Ichigo quickly says, "Whatever. Not like I care. It's just that my sisters think you're visiting relatives in Okinawa. So if you're gonna be hanging around here, then make sure they don't see you."

Rukia experiences a pain of longing for her little bed in Yuzu and Karin's room. There's a heart that beats in this house, and it was nice to feel like a part of it even if only for a short time. But staying here isn't an option this time, so she pushes the feeling away.

Clearly unable to help himself, he adds, "And you were the one who was all 'I can't sleep anywhere else, blah, blah.'"

Rukia struggles for patience to avoid aiming for a sensitive area. That isn't how she wants to broach this topic. "Ichigo… something's happened. No, nothing bad," she says when he immediately tenses. "This is… something good."

The threat erased, Ichigo immediately relaxes. He drops into his desk chair and starts unpacking his school bag. "Oh, yeah?" She tries not to look longingly at his textbooks.

Rukia takes a deep, preparing breath before saying, "In Hueco Mundo, I found—"

"Is this about your old vice-captain?"

The floor falls out from under her. Ichigo isn't really looking at her, so she can't read his face. "How…?"

"Yoruichi-san told me."

It takes several seconds for that to sink in. "But how did she know?" Rukia doesn't mean to sound so indignant. She really doesn't.

Ichigo shrugs. "She's friends with Kukakuu-san."

"Oh. Then, you know Kaien-dono is—"

"Her brother? Yeah."

That wasn't what she was going to say, but she realizes she doesn't really know what she was actually going to say.

"I didn't realize you were so plugged into the Soul Society gossip mill," she says dryly.

Ichigo's face flushes bright red. "Shut up! I'm _not_! She only told me because— Oh, forget it."

"Uh-huh."

Her grin fades as Ichigo's expression becomes serious again. "He was an espada, right?"

Without ever consciously thinking about it, Rukia realizes in this instant that she didn't want Ichigo to know. Though, there's no logical way she could have kept that detail to herself or even really a reason to keep it from him. Still.

"Yes," she says reluctantly. "He was. But he wasn't in control of himself. He's… better now." The words feel disingenuous, but Ichigo doesn't need to know everything.

"Because of you?"

She's startled into meeting his eyes. "What?"

His expression is unreadable. "Yoruichi-san said he tried to fight you, but you helped him remember who he was or something."

It's an abbreviated version of the truth, but then Yoruichi wasn't there. She probably doesn't know that Aaroniero stabbed a released Nejibana through her body, and she certainly couldn't know that Rukia gave up and lost her will to ever lift her blade against his face again. No one need ever know that, especially not Ichigo, whom she promised to return to after the battles were finished.

Now, she's the one not looking at him. "I suppose."

There's obviously something else he wants to say, and Rukia holds her breath as she waits. She doesn't like the idea of him, after everything they've been through together, being unable to tell her anything. Then again, she's hardly in a position to make that judgment.

Oh.

Of course. She wondered why this felt so off, and now she knows. They feel off because _she's_ off. There are things she can't— _won't_— say, and they stand between them as physically present in the room as she is.

"I'm… happy for you," he says finally, staring somewhere over her head, and she looks up in surprise. "People don't come back from the dead every day."

Rukia suddenly understands, and her heart aches for him. What wouldn't Ichigo do to have his mother back?

"No," she says gently. "They don't. But Ichigo—"

"I figured something must have been up over there when you didn't come back."

Guilt starts creeping up on her, though she doesn't think he intends for that to happen. Of course she would have come back— eventually. She'll always come back. She would have returned to his side immediately after Hueco Mundo, but Kaien needed her more.

_You wouldn't have come back at all if Kaien-dono had really wanted your head_, whispers a traitorous voice that she instantly shoves away.

Rukia hadn't considered that Ichigo would be waiting for her.

After that speech about nakama and scolding him for not waiting for her, maybe she should have.

"I'm back now," she says quietly, hoping he'll hear all the things she doesn't say— the apologies and the reassurances.

"Yeah, why is that?"

She cringes. So much for understanding. "Ichigo—"

"I mean, are you back for good?"

He speaks casually, but the question feels weighed down by a subtext. Or maybe she's just projecting out of guilt.

Rukia purposely unclenches her fists from his bedspread and smoothes down the edges of her dress. "The assignment's just for a few months."

"Oh."

In an effort to relieve some of the tension she feels knotting up her back, Rukia brings them back to business.

"What happened with Kurumadani-san?"

"Huh? Who?"

"The shinigami assigned to your town," she says with a roll of her eyes. "My replacement."

"Oh. Him. What about him?"

"Ichigo, he reported that you were hindering his work here."

He doesn't look terribly concerned. "He did, huh?"

"Ichigo—"

"What was he even doing here, Rukia?" he asks, already sounding irritated with the subject.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean _I'm_ here. And Ishida, Inoue, and Chad," he adds with a touch of reluctance. "We don't need that guy. He just got in the way."

Stung, Rukia stares at him. "You're saying… you don't need Soul Society?"

She should have seen this coming. He's so much stronger now than when they first began their partnership. It's only been a matter of time before he would outgrow her. She just didn't think it would be so soon.

Some of what she's thinking must be showing on her face, because Ichigo flinches. "That's not what I meant."

"Isn't it?" she says icily.

"Rukia…"

She stands abruptly, cutting him off. "Well, Soul Society isn't finished with you. Not yet. And there's one last thing."

"What?" he asks warily.

"It's not just Renji and me. I also brought Kaien-dono."

Now, he really looks confused. "But why—?"

He stops at her harsh look.

Rukia hefts herself up onto the windowsill and says over her shoulder, "Starting tomorrow, you're going to start training with him."


	7. Submerge: Chapter 7

Title: _What You Wish For_.

Rating: M.

Pairings: Rukia/Kaien and with all the implications this would have on Rukia/Everyone Else.

Summary: "_Drown not thyself to save a drowning man_." An AU wherein Aaroniero really was Kaien. Rukia comes to terms with what it would have meant for Kaien to be alive.

Note: Once again, y'all, I had to edit down the smut to keep with this site's content rules. If you want to read the full version, then you can read it at my livejournal (starvinbohemian . livejournal . com/ 270898 . html).

* * *

**What You Wish For**

**Part Two**

_Chapter Seven…_

_

* * *

_

The first time Kaien took her out to Mt. Koifushi for one-on-one training, Rukia was too distracted by her own feelings of inadequacy to truly appreciate the experience.

Later, she would come to understand how good a mentor he really was. Alternately hard and gentle and instinctively knowing when to be each, he was as natural a teacher as he was a soldier and vice-captain.

Still new to the thirteenth division, Rukia also failed to appreciate how much of a novelty it truly was for a vice-captain to devote so much of his time to one-on-one training with a new, unseated recruit. There were unkind whispers, and she suspects they would have been louder if it had been anyone other than Kaien-dono, but she didn't listen. She didn't care why he was spending so much time with her so long as he did.

But after he died, she wondered why.

Why her?

She wishes she were brave enough to ask him now that she has the chance. Maybe if he hadn't bothered to build a bond between them, then it would have been someone else there with him and their captain that night, someone stronger or smarter.

A sudden crack of something loud and ominous like thunder erupts above in the sky.

"This was a horrible idea," Renji grumbles as he kicks at a stray rock. "What were you think— Ow!"

Rukia waits until he picks himself up off the ground, spitting dirt, before she says, "I don't recall asking for your opinion."

Brushing himself off, he gives her a resentful look. "_Look_ at them, Rukia! This isn't training. It's—"

"What?" she demands, daring him to say it. "_What_ is it then, Renji?"

Before he can answer, a blast of furious _reiatsu_ from high above almost knocks them both over. As she waits for the wave to pass, Rukia can only grit her teeth and dig her feet into the ground to keep from flying backwards.

Their _reiatsu_ does eventually blast in another direction, but Kaien and Ichigo's antics have kicked up a dust storm. The wind whips her hair against her face and reminds her of the dream she's been trying very hard not to think about. Even squinting, her eyes are watering too much to tell what they're doing up there.

She hears Renji yelling something over the roar of the dust storm that sounds like, "Idiots!"

They _are_ idiots, and Rukia's suddenly very grateful that Urahara offered his basement training area for this exercise because they would have destroyed any other space she chose. Kaien isn't holding back, and either is Ichigo. They _shouldn't_ hold back, not if Ichigo is going to get stronger. And he _has_ to get stronger if he's going to defeat Aizen.

But she can see just as well as Renji can that this isn't just friendly sparring. She can't hear what they're saying, but there's an obvious lack of finesse in their movements that she can see even from several yards away. Too much blind aggression and not enough strategy. This is—

"A complete waste of time," Renji says, unconsciously finishing her thought for her. He shakes himself as a dog would, but a thick layer of dust still remains over his bright red hair.

"Rukia?"

Her hands clench at her sides at his serious expression. She already knows what he's thinking, but she still asks, "What?"

"That _reiatsu_. Did you feel—?"

"Yes."

"It felt like…"

Hollow. That's what he's thinking, and she knows because she felt it, too. The hollow taint is familiar in Ichigo's _reiatsu_, but this is Renji's first time experiencing Kaien's unleashed energy. And at this range, it's impossible to miss.

Both of them… tainted. And because of her. She feels sick.

"Rukia—"

"Don't," she snaps. She already knows. He doesn't have to say it.

Rukia knew this would be a risk, but she did it anyway. There was a time when Kaien somehow managed to bring out the best in her. She figured Ichigo would benefit from training with such a great teacher. Also, she needed a reason to justify Kaien's coming on this mission so he wouldn't feel like a burden.

However, Kaien doesn't seem particularly interested in teaching Ichigo anything at the moment other than the feeling of being blasted against solid rock.

"But—"

Rukia squeezes her eyes shut. "Renji, _don't_."

He scowls and shakes his head, but what does he want her to do? She can't jump between them now, not after the way they looked at her after laying eyes on each other for the first time.

It must have been like looking into a mirror, she thinks. Much like how she felt when Niisama finally showed her Hisana's shrine, meaning an inexplicable mixture of shock, vertigo, fascination, and betrayal.

She'll never forget the hurt look on Ichigo's face.

The sound of clashing swords abruptly stops, and she glances up just as Ichigo drops down before her. He's panting, and his kosode is in tatters. Rukia instinctively catalogs all his wounds, searching for ones he'll need to heal immediately.

"Are you all right?" she asks, already reaching for him with _kidou_ burning at her fingertips.

However, Ichigo instantly jerks away from her. Drawing back, she lets the _kidou_ dissipate and does her best to seem unaffected by this rejection.

Renji glances between them with a grim expression and then sighs. "Couldn't take him, huh?" he says, attempting something close to smug levity, even though it's clearly the _wrong_ thing to say.

"Shut up," Ichigo snarls.

He isn't looking at her.

Rukia's heart squeezes painfully in her chest. She wishes they were alone so she could explain, but…

Kaien suddenly drops down beside her. She frowns when she realizes he's in just as bad of shape as Ichigo.

"Kid needs work," he grunts, wiping sweat from his brow.

Rukia nods, accepting this, as she eyes him cautiously. Kaien's reaction upon meeting his doppelganger was inscrutable beyond the initial surprise, and his expression is still inscrutable now. But at least he's still speaking to her and looking her in the eye.

Ichigo looks between them with an incredulous expression. "Are you kidding me?"

"It's like he's never been trained before," Kaien tells her, ignoring him. "His stances are a mess."

"His initial training was… unconventional," she reminds him. Kaien received the abridged version of her and Ichigo's story before she introduced them, but she felt reluctant for some reason during the telling and there were many details left out.

"Might as well have been no training at all," Kaien says.

"I'm standing right here!"

"He's beat captains and espada," Renji interjects quietly.

Kaien and Rukia both visibly tense. She could kill Renji. No one needs to be talking about espada now. Aizen is the target.

"Damn right I have!" Ichigo yells. "I've taken down espada with higher ranks than yours!"

There's a horrible silence following this.

"Ichigo—" she starts angrily, but Kaien cuts her off with a hand on her shoulder.

"And what did that cost you?" he asks quietly. "Barging into Hueco Mundo before you were properly prepared?"

The color drains out of Ichigo's face.

"That isn't—" Renji attempts to say, but he closes his mouth at the warning look she sends him.

Kaien presses in. "Who got hurt because you couldn't be bothered to put in the training?"

She's given a vivid reminder of the look in Ichigo's eyes when he returned from the dome in Las Noches because he has that same look again now. She wonders— and not for the first time— what happened to make him look like this.

Rukia doesn't know which of them she should be chastising now, but she hates seeing Ichigo like this. "Kaien-dono…" she says finally.

Ichigo's shaking with repressed fury. "_Fuck. You_," he whispers.

"Am I wrong?" Kaien says, and if she didn't know better then she would think he looks smug in the knowledge that, of course, he _isn't_.

Ichigo twitches as if he's going for his sword, but Renji suddenly jumps in front of him. He half-shoves, half-drags Ichigo away from Kaien, saying, "Come on, Kurosaki. Fight me. Let's see how tough you are."

Ichigo makes angry, sputtering noises, but he allows Renji to move him away.

Frustrated, Rukia rubs some of the tension from her forehead. How could she have ever thought this was a good idea?

She looks up in surprise when Kaien brushes some of the dirt from her hair.

"That's some temper on your protégé," he says. He's smiling but with more bitterness than mirth.

Rukia drops her eyes. She wishes Kaien wouldn't look at her that way. She has many regrets, but Ichigo isn't one of them. Her protégé? In some ways, yes, but she cannot take the credit for Ichigo's incredible power.

"Kaien-dono…"

Kaien's hand slips down from her hair so that he's cupping her cheek. His face softens as he says, "You know, people used to call you _my_ protégé."

One day, they will be able to have a conversation when Rukia's throat does not tighten with suppressed emotion, but it is not this day. "I remember," she murmurs.

One of the proudest moments of her life was when she overheard Captain laughingly say in response to his excited praise of a newly released Sodeno no Shirayuki, "All right, Kaien, all right! Go get your protégé, and we'll see what she's learned."

Another proud moment came later when she watched Ichigo, barely sixteen, walk back through the gate to the living world after having successfully laid out Soul Society at his feet. Protégé or not, she couldn't be more proud of him than she was at that moment— not that she would ever tell him, of course.

"Yo! Are we fighting here or what?" she hears Renji yell.

She turns her head and sees Ichigo staring back at her.

As if their positions were psychically reversed, she knows what he sees in this moment as she and Kaien stand so close together, with Kaien's hand on her face. Without thinking, she steps away from him, but then realizes that this is a mistake as well when Kaien's face clouds over and Ichigo still says, "Fuck this," and storms off.

She goes after him.

By the time she catches him, Ichigo has already climbed up the ladder and gone through Urahara's kitchen. She grabs his arm before he can get any further. "Ichigo! Stop!"

He does, but he keeps his face averted from hers.

Her fingers tighten on his sleeve. "Ichigo, look at me."

After a moment, he finally turns his face and meets her gaze. The pain she sees there before he pulls down his sullen mask hurts more than she expected. Here, right before her, is another reason she didn't want to bring Kaien to the living world.

"What do you want?" he demands, voice harsh.

What should be an easy question is not. "I want… you to talk to me."

He snorts, and Rukia's hand slips from his sleeve.

"Why did you bring him here?"

She knew this question was coming, so she's ready with a practiced response. "I told you. He's here to train with—"

"I don't need _training_," he mutters. "Not from _him_."

"You cannot afford to turn down help when it—"

"I don't need his help!"

He's wrong. Maybe more than anyone, Kaien understands what Ichigo is going through with his hollow. Who better to help train him? She doesn't trust those vaizards. "Ichigo," she says more firmly, "you should listen to him. He has experience with—"

It's too much for Ichigo at the moment, and Rukia goes very still when he suddenly snaps and yells loud enough for the whole street to hear. "Rukia, he has _my face_!"

Frozen, she stares at him.

He's still yelling at her. "_Why_ does he have my face? Huh, Rukia?"

That's not really what Ichigo's asking, she knows. She saw on his face all the questions and doubts that rose in him upon meeting Kaien and seeing his own visage reflected back at him, including the one question she never wanted him to ask: _is this the real reason why you saved me?_

"Who cares what he looks like?" she says, throat gone dry. "It doesn't matter."

She doesn't blame him for his disbelieving expression, but she says, "Put it from your mind. You need to _focus_."

"_How_ can I—?"

"_Ichigo_," she snaps, and he pauses at the desperation in her voice. She can't bear the idea that he's questioning a bond he never needed to question before, and that's why she tells him, "What Kaien-dono looks like… has nothing to do with you. Or us."

He stares at her in amazement.

She would be embarrassed at the candidness of this conversation, but it's more important that he _understand_. "I don't care what you or he looks like," she tells him. "You're _you_, and Kaien-dono is Kaien-dono. I won't apologize for saving you the night we met, and I won't apologize for bringing him back. End of story."

He swallows. "Moron, I saved _you_."

She smiles sadly. "If that's what you choose to tell yourself."

Ichigo sighs and wipes a bloody hand across his forehead. He flinches but doesn't move away this time when she reaches up and wipes some of the blood away with her sleeve. "Rukia…"

He doesn't seem to know what he wants to say. They share a long stare. Rukia somehow manages not to look away.

She surprises him by placing a _kidou_-warm hand against his torn stomach. "Hey!"

"Hold still, fool," Rukia says, already pressing her _reiatsu_ into the wound.

Ichigo flushes pink, probably due to where she's touching him, but he finally shuts his mouth and does what he's told for once.

Rukia purposely doesn't think about the fact that— in the absence of available _kidou_— they would now have matching scars in the same place from Nejibana. She doesn't think about that because she _can't_.

"Nothing's changed," she tells him. Nothing _has_ to change if she doesn't let it. She can have them both in their respective roles in her life if they'll just let her, if everyone will just play along.

But to say that nothing's changed is a lie, and they both know it.

* * *

Rukia does eventually manage to coax Ichigo back down to the basement but, sadly, her endeavor does not prove worth the effort.

If she thought they were behaving foolishly before, then their fighting during the next round is twice as ridiculous. And twice as dangerous. She finally throws up her hands and calls it a day.

Afterward, as she taxes all her spare energy reserves to heal the worst of their wounds, she makes a mental note to invite Inoue next time. There should always be a healer around, especially a healer who doesn't suffer the recurring temptation to kick her own patients.

Ichigo doesn't stick around after he's healed. Rukia isn't terribly surprised. She's just finishing up with Kaien when Ururu pops her head out of the sky and calls them in for dinner.

She's too exhausted to eat. After almost falling asleep in her bowl of rice, Rukia officially gives up and retires early. Kaien's eyes follow her as she crosses to her room, and it's with more than a little relief that she slides the shoji closed between them.

Unohana's sleeping pills wait for her on Tessai's dresser.

Picking up the bottle, she stares at it as one might stare down a snake. She didn't have time before she left to pay Unohana another visit, but surely horrible dreams are one of the side effects of the pills she was warned against. Just thinking about that last one makes her heart pound painfully in her chest, and so she places the pills at the back of one of Tessai's drawers and quickly slams it shut.

But without the pills, she finds herself rolling back and forth, unable to fall asleep despite her exhaustion.

She misses Ichigo's closet.

She wasn't lying when she told Ichigo that it was the only place she could sleep. Sleep comfortably at any rate. The Kurosaki house is one of the few places she always felt safe.

Maybe what Rukia really misses is a simpler time. A time when all she had to worry about was kicking the fool boy until he agreed to let her copy his homework. A time when she and Ichigo were still getting used to each other as partners and their relationship was no more complicated than that.

And if she's honest with herself, then maybe it's not just the closet she misses.

She hears a scratching sound as the shoji slides open.

Rukia sits up as someone slips into her room. For a split second, because she was just thinking about him, she thinks it's Ichigo. When she realizes it's actually Kaien, she instantly feels guilty, though why should she?

"Kaien-dono?" she whispers, squinting through the darkness. "What are you doing?"

He doesn't answer, and she feels a spark of alarm. He comes to the edge of her bed and stops. A feeling of unease creeps up on her as he stands there, watching her.

Something's wrong. Kicking the sheets aside, Rukia struggles to her feet only to have Kaien catch her by the shoulders. Her breath catches. Even though his face is half-concealed by shadow, she can see that his eyes are hard.

"Kaien—"

She's cut off as Kaien pulls her into a punishing kiss. Rukia, unprepared, sputters and gasps for air. What is he _doing_?

Just as suddenly, she can breathe again, but then he shoves her. Rukia gasps as her back hits the mattress. Stunned, she stares as he falls to his knees and tugs her by the legs to the edge of the bed.

Panic surges upward in her throat. Aaroniero, she thinks— for all the hollows are Aaroniero to her. Is it him? Even if she could move, her sword is all the way across the room. But she can't move. Fear— and not for herself— paralyzes her.

His hands slide up her legs and tug at her flannel pajama bottoms. Rukia shudders and grips her pants to keep him from removing them.

She tries once more. "Kaien-dono?" _Please, please. _"Are you all right?"

He looks up as if surprised. "Of course," he says in his normal, Kaien-dono voice. "What's with that face?"

The relief burns in its stark purity, and without thinking, Rukia throws off her paralysis and embraces him. Kaien chokes on a surprised noise as her arms squeeze around his neck. "Kuchiki!"

She doesn't care that she's behaving foolishly because he's still here. He's still Kaien-dono, and for a horrifying second there his eyes were not his own and she thought—

_Why… do you call my name so many times? Are you that worried for my safety, little girl? Do you care about me that much?_

She fails to notice that she's actually cutting off his air until Kaien, coughing, pries her arms from his neck. "Geez! What's wrong with you?"

Even his annoyance relieves her because it's familiar. "I'm sorry," she whispers.

She doesn't realize she's shaking until Kaien takes hold of her trembling hands. Frowning, he stares at them in a way she assumes to be reproachful. Ashamed, she pulls them back.

"You thought I—?"

"Yes."

He shakes his head, and she knows he's disappointed. She told him she could forget, but that's easier said than done. Every twitch he makes that she identifies as out of character for the man she knew is cause for anxiety.

But he can't really blame her for that, can he? Not after he… And he was so rough when he kissed her just now. If that wasn't Aaroniero, then who? Why?

At a loss for what else to say, she repeats, "I'm sorry."

Kaien sighs and pulls her back into an embrace. This time, his roughness feels comforting and she goes without protest. Her arms circle his waist, and she buries her face in his chest.

"Kuchiki?"

He's so warm he's almost burning beneath her cheek. "Yes?"

"Did you think of me when you stabbed him?"

A cold hand touches her spine, and she stills. Certain she must have heard him wrong, she asks, "What did you say?"

His voice is much too steady and impassive for what he's asking her. "When you gave that boy your powers," he repeats patiently, "when you stabbed him, did you think of me?"

She pulls back and stares at him. In this lighting, his blue-green eyes are dark and sharp, and they remind her of the obsidian walls of the cave from her dreams.

For no logical reason whatsoever, she decides to tell the truth. "Yes."

Kaien crushes his mouth against hers, and this time, Rukia kisses him back. Matching his desperation, she puts everything into it. He presses her until she falls back against the bed. His movements are near frantic, and she only has a moment to enjoy the press of his weight on top of her before his mouth moves down to her neck and then to her collarbone. His fingers are clumsy in their haste as he undoes the buttons of her borrowed pajama shirt. Not all the buttons will survive the night.

When he mouths her breast through the fabric, Rukia catches herself mid-moan. The walls are so paper-thin here that she can hear Renji snoring next door—

Renji.

They can't do this here.

"Wait, wait," she gasps. "They'll hear—"

Raising his face, Kaien gives her a smirk that makes her breath quicken. Sliding back to his knees on the side of the bed, he pulls down her pajama bottoms in a swift move before she can protest.

She glances nervously at the wall. "Kaien-dono…"

Kaien's hands are entirely too warm as he rubs them up her thighs. Rukia's eyes start to slide closed at the pleasant sensation, but a particularly loud snore from Renji startles her out of her fugue.

"They will _hear_ us," she hisses.

"_I_ _don't care_," he counters with the perfectly obvious. "Do you really think we're fooling anyone, Kuchiki?"

Does she?

Yes. No. Maybe.

More importantly, does he even know _why_ they need to remain discreet? In his fractured, _damaged_ mind, does he think she's only worried about getting in trouble for inappropriate superior/subordinate relations? He isn't even technically her superior officer anymore.

For the first time, Rukia feels genuine frustration instead of compassion for his current state. It's so easy for him to flaunt what they're doing to the whole world. There's so much at stake, and for once she'd like to know she's not alone in carrying the burden of whatever they are.

No. Not "burden." He could never be a burden. But…

"Please—" She's going to say "stop," but Kaien bites the inside of her thigh and her thought instantly evaporates. His tongue traces the mark, and she shivers with her whole body. With another tug, he brings her to the very edge of the bed, and Rukia suddenly realizes she's about to lose this argument, if she hasn't already lost it.

But Kaien pauses, and she sees another shift in his expression.

"Did he ever touch you like this?"

Horror grips her as her mind crashes up against a mental wall. Why, why in the _world_, would he bring Ichigo into the bedroom with them?

Before she can say, no, never, and _please stop talking_ _about Ichigo_, he's there with his mouth and his tongue. Lost, Rukia's head falls back on the mattress.

She will never stop feeling amazed that they could be here like this.

Kaien leaves her on the precipice, drawing back just when she's about to fall off the edge. "Kaien-dono," she groans loudly, temporarily forgetting herself.

He climbs over her and doesn't waste any time. They're both panting so noisily that Rukia strains her ears to make sure she can still hear the snoring. But she can't hear anything above Kaien's moans.

To her surprise, Kaien suddenly grabs her arms and stretches them over her head. When she tugs at his grip, he presses her wrists further into the mattress. "What," she gasps. "What… are you doing?"

"Tell me," he demands. His grip is tight enough to hurt. "Did he—?"

"No," she snaps. She won't think about Ichigo now, she won't, but if he doesn't stop…

Kaien's passion and anger are one and the same now. He's moving so fast and erratically, and she's so close…

His command turns desperate at the end of the stretch. "Say it!"

She doesn't know what she's supposed to say, but as pleasure coats all her senses, Rukia cries out what must be his name. Kaien makes a sound reminiscent of despair as he follows her.

In the aftermath of their frenzied coupling, the shoten is conspicuously silent.


	8. Submerge: Chapter 8

Title: _What You Wish For_.

Rating: M.

Pairings: Rukia/Kaien and with all the implications this would have on Rukia/Everyone Else.

Summary: "_Drown not thyself to save a drowning man_." An AU wherein Aaroniero really was Kaien. Rukia comes to terms with what it would have meant for Kaien to be alive.

* * *

_Chapter Eight…_

* * *

Kaien's face is relaxed in sleep as Rukia lightly traces her fingers over his features.

When she touches his nose, his face twitches and he swats at her hand without waking. She does it again. Though his hand comes up to wave her off, Kaien doesn't wake. With a sigh, she rolls onto her back and stares at the ceiling.

"Do you have any idea— the things I've done?"

The question, whispered against her neck while he's still inside her, makes her shudder.

"Do you?"

She shakes her head wordlessly.

He wants her to ask, but Rukia doesn't want to hear all the horrible things he could tell her. She doesn't want to know. If she doesn't know, then he can still remain the same Kaien-dono from her memories. She won't have to think about him spending all those years alone, in Hueco Mundo, doing whatever it was he had to do to gain the rank of Espada Novena.

Kaien's breath is wet against her neck, and his arms cling tightly around her. He's shaking. "Kuchiki…"

_Save me_, she hears.

If his voice breaks, then they'll both be finished. Rukia squeezes her eyes shut and makes a decision. She folds her legs back around his waist and circles her arms around him, pulling as much of him into herself as possible.

"Tell me," she says.

He does.

Afterward, Kaien falls asleep and eventually rolls away from her. Hours later, Rukia still hasn't slept. Vague fears jerk her awake almost as soon as she closes her eyes. No gentle drifting off for her, but rather a current that drags her under only to return her in a painful burst against the reef.

Rukia wakes, before she's even asleep, already reaching for him. Her heart continues to pound until long after she finds him still asleep beside her.

Sometime before the sun rises, Rukia gives up on the idea of sleep altogether. Instead, she watches Kaien sleep as the shadows stretch and then drain from the room. She leaves her hand on his chest just to feel the steady rise and fall of his breathing.

With another sigh, she finally climbs over him and wanders out to the kitchen.

Urahara's already there, leaning against the counter as he sips his morning tea. "Good morning, Kuchiki-san!"

Rukia eyes him warily. She had hoped Kaien would have time to sneak back to the room he's supposed to be sharing with Renji before anyone woke. It's just her luck that Urahara would break his pattern of being a late riser today of all days.

"Did you sleep well?"

Something about his tone grates on her nerves. Whether he overheard them or not, he must know which room Kaien currently sleeps in. "Why?"

"So suspicious!" he trills, flapping his fan. "It's just a polite inquiry, Kuchiki-san."

_Of course it is_, she thinks wryly. In no mood for Urahara, she does her best to ignore him as she goes about making herself breakfast. If he isn't going to directly acknowledge the elephant in the room, then she won't either. She doesn't care what he thinks.

His smirking eyes follow her around the kitchen, but there's a surprising lack of crude comments or sly innuendo from him. When he speaks again, he's given up coyness in favor of sounding serious. "You should be careful, Kuchiki-san."

Groggy and sleep-deprived, she assumes he's referencing the toaster she stole from the Kurosakis' kitchen. "I know how to use it," she mutters, dropping in slices of bread.

Urahara sighs.

She's just about to take a bite of her toast when her communicator suddenly goes off.

"If only hollows would keep civilized hours," Urahara laments.

"Not a hollow," she says, frowning at the small screen. It's an order for a meeting with her superiors. She performs a double-take at the assigned time to be sure she's read it correctly. Thirty minutes from now? Why?

Abandoning her toast, Rukia returns to her room and dresses without bothering to keep quiet. Kaien rolls over at the noise but still doesn't wake. She considers more aggressive tactics to get Kaien up and back into his room before anyone _else_ wakes up but ultimately gives up on this route in favor of making her meeting on time.

Waking Kaien wouldn't have mattered, she discovers, as Renji steps out of his room at the same time she does. Rukia shuts the shoji too quickly to appear casual.

"Morning."

Renji stiffens at her approach. After several beats, he returns, "Morning."

She hesitates before him, unsure of how to proceed. If only he would look at her. She would make a joke about his snoring only getting worse since their Rukongai days, and he could pretend to be offended just as he has a million times before. Easy banter to reassure her that they're still okay. But he has to look at her first.

"What's with the bag?" she finally asks to break the tense silence.

Renji shuffles awkwardly, still not quite meeting her eyes. "I'm going to stay at Ichigo's," he mutters.

A lump forms in her throat, and Rukia suddenly can't look at him either.

She almost doesn't ask. "Why?"

Renji sighs and rubs his head. "I just think it's for the best."

Anxiety rushes over her at the idea of him not being here, of him leaving her behind, though she has no idea why.

"But Ichigo—"

"Not exactly giving the kid a choice. It's just… too crowded here, Rukia."

What can she say to that?

There's nothing she can say, so she lets him go.

* * *

For some reason, Rukia experiences surprise at seeing that no one has bothered to take down the enormous transmitter between Karakura and Soul Society in Inoue's apartment. The huge screen takes up an entire wall, with wires and tubes of dubious origin spilling out all over the floor.

When she asks Inoue about it, the other girl laughs nervously and waves her hands around in denial. "Oh, I don't mind, Kuchiki-san. I think the wall looks great! No one else has a wall like mine, so it's an original. People pay lots of money for original walls, and mine was free!"

"Inoue…"

She sags slightly at Rukia's tone and says, in a much softer voice, "I really don't mind, Kuchiki-san. I like knowing that if there's trouble or someone needs help, then I'm right here with my giant wall. I like knowing I can help everyone if they need me."

"But.."

"Also," she adds, perking up, "if there's a giant storm, and hollows are taking over Soul Society, and the phones are out, I can run really fast to get help! Though… if the phones are out, then I guess the transmitter would be, too… Do you think the transmitter would work in a giant storm, Kuchiki-san?"

Rukia has no idea what she's talking about and so she just shrugs. Inoue looks tired, faded. She didn't notice at first because, even on a bad day, Inoue's more beautiful than most. But there's a sadness lurking in her eyes now that wasn't there before. Rukia wants to ask about Hueco Mundo, but she knows from personal experience that talking about Hueco Mundo can be… difficult. What's important is that she's here, safe.

"And see?" Inoue says. "You need my wall now, and I'm here to help!"

Rukia smiles. "Yes. Thank you, Inoue."

Inoue politely excuses herself as Rukia sets up the connection. When the screen comes up, she's surprised to be greeted by Captain-Commander Yamamoto, her brother, and— Kukakuu?

"Shiba Kukakuu has requested to be part of this conversation as it concerns her brother," Yamamoto explains before she can ask, though she wouldn't have asked.

"Damn right I did," Kukakuu growls. Rukia has never been more terrified of a televised image, and that includes those shows with scary monsters trying to sell her hamburgers in the Kurosakis' television box.

"Your captain has elected not to be present at this meeting."

This surprises her more than anything else. Ukitake didn't want to participate in a meeting concerning Kaien?

"The purpose of this meeting is to determine whether former vice-captain Shiba should be immediately returned to Soul Society."

He pauses as if waiting for Rukia's response, but she's too stunned to say anything. The three of them only just arrived, and she's already being ordered to bring Kaien back?

Yamamoto continues. "Captain Ukitake acted hastily in providing clearance for Shiba Kaien's departure from Soul Society. The matter should have been presented to his fellow captains to be deliberated. We are here now to discuss the issue further."

"What's to deliberate?" Kukakuu says. "_You_ think it's a bad idea. _I_ think it's a bad idea. _Everyone_ can see it's a bad idea! He should come home."

Rukia looks to her brother, but he remains stoically silent.

"I wish to hear Kuchiki Rukia's opinion on the matter," Yamamoto says.

The captain-commander wants to hear her opinion, and Rukia has no idea what her opinion is. She was against Ukitake's plan as well, and in just a few days the whole thing has already proven disastrous. Renji's left, Ichigo's upset, Kaien's coming apart at the seams, and she's… Well, her feelings don't seem as important.

This, though, is an opportunity to cut the failed experiment short and bring Kaien home where he belongs without anyone beyond this meeting knowing she's responsible. It's tempting.

But, of course, she can't. Doesn't she owe her captain and Kaien at least an attempt at arguing their case?

Despite her misgivings, Rukia tries.

The conference ends up lasting the rest of the morning.

They start by going back and forth on what's best for Kaien. "Being with his family is what's best for him!" Kukakuu yells. "I never should have let her take him to begin with!"

Though Rukia privately agrees, she does her best to articulate Kaien's feelings of displacement and alienation. But Ukitake has apparently already exhausted these arguments with Kukakuu, and she yells out in frustration, "How long are we supposed to humor his identity crisis?"

That's a good question. "It's only for a few more weeks," Rukia offers feebly.

It's Byakuya who brings up the real concern neither Rukia nor Kukakuu have the courage to voice. "What if he succumbs to his hollow?" he interjects quietly. He's remained mostly silent, listening to everyone without revealing any of his own thoughts, but this point is too important to neglect.

The lie comes easier with practice, she discovers. Rukia swallows down her fear and says, "He won't."

"You cannot guarantee that," Byakuya says, and Rukia starts to sweat.

"Should that occur… Urahara Kisuke is more than capable of subduing Kaien-dono until reinforcements arrive," she reminds them.

Rukia isn't surprised to be met with such skeptical expressions. Leaving Kaien's well-being in Urahara's hands… Urahara, whose motives are murky even on a good day.

"Do we rely entirely on Urahara Kisuke in the case of devolution?" Yamamoto asks.

Devolution?

The lack of sleep must be catching up with her, because a sudden wave of dizziness has Rukia swaying on her feet.

_Do you have any idea— the things I've done?_

Yes, she does, and _devolution_ can never happen again. Ever.

"My vice-captain, Abarai Renji, is also available as a reinforcement," Byakuya adds, confirming Rukia's suspicions about Renji's assignment.

She doesn't tell them about Renji moving out.

"And Kurosaki Ichigo is right across town," she adds a bit desperately, though she feels a twinge of guilt for involving Ichigo.

"Between those two and the kid… they could probably take him," Kukakuu concedes reluctantly. "If they had to." Rukia feels no bitterness at being excluded from her list— only relief.

"Kuchiki-san?"

Startled, Rukia turns and sees Inoue holding out a dish of steamed rice covered in some kind of jelly and bits of something not immediately identifiable. "I thought you might be hungry," she says cheerfully. She waves at the figures on the screen. "Hello, everyone!"

"Yo, Inoue," Kukakuu says in a much warmer voice than she's otherwise used during their meeting.

"I'm sorry for intruding during your lunch, Inoue," Rukia says, but Inoue just waves her off.

"That's okay, Kuchiki-san! I'll just be in the kitchen if you want some more Orihime's Super Surprise Rice!"

Rukia very bravely does not take a closer look at this so-called surprise, though as soon as Inoue disappears back into the kitchen she cautiously sets the dish aside.

After going back and forth on everything from what Kaien will eat every day to the city's safety plan in case of emergency floods— not an unreasonable concern considering Kaien's particular power— Rukia eventually persuades them to let her carry out her assignment with Kaien in tow. She has to make the concession of daily reports to be sent to both Ukitake as well as Yamamoto.

That's as much as she can ask for. She knows she can't stay in Karakura forever— and either can Kaien.

It's a dubious victory.

"I don't like it, Kuchiki," Kukakuu says gravely. "My brother better remain in one piece." _This time_, she doesn't say, but she doesn't have to. "You better know what you're doing."

Even if she were functioning on a full night's sleep, Rukia would still have felt exhausted by the time the meeting ends.

She's just biding goodbye to Inoue when the other girl stops her. "Kuchiki-san has so many people depending on her," Inoue says, smiling wistfully. "She always manages to save everyone. How do you do it, Kuchiki-san?"

Rukia gives her a weak smile. "Not well, Inoue."

"Kuchiki-san?"

"Yes?"

Inoue's expression looks somehow both pained and resigned. "Kurosaki-kun needs you, too. Especially now."

Rukia's breath catches.

"He needs you to do that thing like you did when you came to our school and beat him up to make him feel better. He's been so… Maybe you could throw him in front of another hollow?" she suggests hopefully.

She can't just be talking about what happened yesterday, because Ichigo hasn't had enough time to noticeably mope over Kaien's lack of sensitivity. "Inoue—"

"He needs help!" she squeaks. "Ever since what happened in… But he won't listen to anyone— not even his friends. But he knows we just want to help! I… just want to help."

There are tears in Inoue's eyes, and Rukia thinks that she couldn't possibly feel any worse until Inoue says, "Kuchiki-san always knows what to do."

If she only knew.

* * *

A wind picks up as Rukia's making her way back to the shoten.

She ignores it at first, merely holding her hair out of her eyes so she can see where she's going, but the wind never lets up. A particularly strong burst actually knocks her sideways against a brick wall.

The sudden voice makes her freeze.

_Even if you survived… _

Barely a whisper and yet undeniably familiar. She knows that voice. But how? How can she be hearing it again?

_Even if you survived, the fact remains that you can't kill me much less strike me down…_

Already recognizing it for a futile gesture, Rukia looks around desperately for the source of the voice. Unsurprisingly, she's alone on the street. But she can't be hearing this, she _can't_, because she isn't asleep. That voice belongs where she left it— in her dreams.

Rukia doesn't realize she's trying to block out the voice by placing her hands over her ears until a sudden shift in the tone and pitch of the voice has her dropping her arms again.

_If I could clear up that one thing, I would be able to kill you without mercy_…

Though still distorted, the voice clearly belongs to someone else now. The words are clearer than ever before. But who is that?

_I've remembered where..._

Remembered? Remembered what?

_I've remembered where..._

It's too much. "Leave me alone!" she screams.

And just like that, the wind dies down, and Rukia's left huddled against the wall, staring blindly, and with her heart pounding in her ears. What…

Her communicator starts beeping.

It takes several seconds for the sound to penetrate her stupor, and she lifts the communicator with shaking hands. A hollow? Now? If she were anyone else, then Rukia would have ignored it in favor of falling to pieces at the idea that she could very well be losing her mind.

She _is_ losing her mind. Something is very, very wrong with her.

But she isn't anyone else, so Rukia starts running in the direction indicated by the device.

She barely makes it about a block before she realizes running isn't the best idea. She doesn't throw up in the middle of the street, but it's a near miss. Bending at the waist, she rests her hands against her knees and tries to breathe through the nausea.

What's happening to her? When was the last time she was even sick?

Just then, a burst of familiar _reiatsu_ hits her, and she forgets her own pain. Stumbling, she forces herself forward.

She hears their yelling before she sees them. Turning the corner, Rukia stops at the sight of Ichigo and Kaien with their swords drawn. The spirit of a little dead girl clings to Ichigo's leg, and she's sobbing so loud Rukia can hear her from across the street.

She skids to a stop between them as she slides out of an ill-advised shunpo. "Where's… the hollow?" she demands through labored breathing.

Ichigo jumps back in surprise at her sudden appearance, but he doesn't get far with the little girl attached to his leg. "Rukia!"

"Where _is_ it?" she repeats. She doesn't like the thought that they would stand around arguing while a hollow endangers innocent civilians, but it is her first one.

"Taken care of," Kaien says, stepping back.

Rukia stares at him. She followed Ichigo's _reiatsu_ here, but she didn't sense Kaien until he was right in front of her. Why?

She wipes the sweat from her clammy forehead. Bizarrely, she's sweating so bad she might have run for miles rather than just for a few blocks. "What are you doing here?"

Rukia doesn't mean to eye Nejibana, but Kaien notices her line of sight and quickly drops his sword's released state. Before he can answer, Ichigo growls, "Yeah, why _don't_ you tell her what you were doing?"

Kaien sends him a resentful look before saying to her, "I felt the hollow arrive. Just thought I'd help out—"

"That is _not_ what he was doing!"

She frowns. "Ichigo, what are you talking about?"

"Rukia, when I got here he was—"

"What?" Kaien snaps. "What _exactly_ was I doing, _Ichigo_?"

"I don't know!" Ichigo yells, turning purple. "But it was _wrong_! The kid was running away from him! Look at her— she's terrified!"

The spirit child lets out an ear-splitting wail as if to highlight his point.

Icy fear rises in her chest, and she takes a shaky step toward him. "Ichigo…"

"She's confused," Kaien says coldly. "That hollow was chasing her—"

"Bullshit!"

"Ichigo, stop it," she says angrily. "There _was_ a hollow. Why do you think we're all standing here?" Why is he pushing this? The hollow's gone, and the little girl seems to be okay beyond the frightened hysterics.

"I know that! But when I got here, it was just _him_," he says, pointing accusingly. "Rukia, he was _doing_ something!"

Kaien shakes his head in disgust. "That's some imagination you have, kid."

Ichigo lunges for him so suddenly that he inadvertently dislodges the girl from his leg. But Rukia throws herself between them and grabs the front of Ichigo's kosode before he can get to Kaien. The move costs her, and she probably would have sagged to the ground if it weren't for her grip on him. "Idiot, what are you _doing_?"

"Rukia, he's _lying_. Don't you see that? You aren't listening, but you have to wake up!"

_Kuchiki, wake up! You have to __wake up__!_

Rukia's eyes go wide, and she stares up at him in horror. "What… What did you say?"

The little girl, still a sobbing heap on the ground, starts mumbling to herself.

Kaien's hand falls on her shoulder and he tugs as if to pull her away. "I wasn't doing anything except your job, kid!"

"Like hell!"

The girl's mumbling grows louder. "Eating… Eating it…"

"Stop," Rukia tries, though the dizziness almost tips her over. "Please…"

They don't seem to hear her.

The little girl cries harder, and the sound seems to magnify impossibly loud in her ears. Rukia's nausea increases tenfold. Pressed between them, she suddenly finds it hard to breathe.

"Kuchiki?"

The sky slants sideways, and she's falling.

"Rukia!"

Someone tries to catch her, but she slips out of his hands and falls, falls, falls…

Rukia lands in a pool of water. She's sinking deep below the surface when a current catches her, and she's pulled gently along. When cool air hits her face, Rukia, blinking in surprise, realizes she's drifting along the surface of— what, a lake?

Above her, the sky is a beautiful, blinding blue. There are clouds in the shape of Chappys. She smiles.

But the sun, hovering above her, is too bright. Closing her eyes, Rukia enjoys the sensation of being enveloped in a warm cocoon, arms spread wide open, and without concern or worry. She could stay like this forever.

"Not yet, Rukia-chan."

Her eyes shoot open just as something heavy comes down on her stomach. Rukia cries out in surprise, but water immediately washes into her mouth and eyes as she's pushed beneath the surface.

Panicking, she kicks and spins to get away from whatever's holding her down, but the object comes down on her again, and she's shoved deeper. Her serenity disappears, and she suddenly realizes she can't breathe. She's going to drown.

But then a hand closes around her throat and she's dragged back up.

Rukia emerges from the water spitting and choking. Just as suddenly, the hand disappears and she's unceremoniously dropped. She lands flat on her stomach. Curling in on herself, Rukia gasps for breath.

Someone gently pushes her wet bangs out of her eyes. "Now, now. Such a fuss! It's not as bad as all that, is it?"

That voice. Her eyes snap open. It can't be…

The sun shines at the figure's back, obscuring them in shadow as they lean over her.

"You're…"

Her laugh, melodious as a wind chime, is so familiar Rukia might have heard it just yesterday as opposed to decades ago. "It's been a while. Huh, Rukia-chan?"

She's suddenly so cold she's shaking. The sun's gone.

"Miyako-dono?" she whispers.

The shadows evaporate, no longer obscuring her face. Wearing her shinigami uniform, she looks the same as she did the last time Rukia saw her. "Aw, you remember."

Of course she remembers. How could she ever forget?

"But you're…"

"I'm a lot of things right now," she says cheerfully, tossing Rukia's sword from hand to hand, "which is why…"

Rukia jumps when Miyako suddenly stabs Sodeno no Shirayuki into the ground beside her head. "You're probably going to want to pick this up, Rukia-chan."

"Why?"

Her smile is unpleasant. "Because this is going to be over _really_ fast if you don't."

She doesn't have the chance to ask what she means before Miyako pulls her own sword from her obi and brings it down on Rukia's head.


	9. Submerge: Chapter 9

Title: _What You Wish For_.

Rating: M.

Pairings: Rukia/Kaien and with all the implications this would have on Rukia/Everyone Else.

Summary: _"__Drown__ not thyself to save a drowning man."_An AU wherein Aaroniero really was Kaien. Rukia comes to terms with what it would have meant for Kaien to be alive.

Author's Note: A quick thanks to everyone for all the kind reviews! This project is fairly bizarre, so I really appreciate the support.

* * *

_Chapter Nine…_

* * *

There's slick grass beneath her hands.

Glancing down in surprise, Rukia flexes her fingers through the cool blades. Did it rain the night before? She doesn't remember.

She probably shouldn't be sitting on cold, wet grass, but she doesn't move. It's quiet here, though Rukia didn't really come for the peaceful combination of solitude and silence.

The wind carries over the distant sound of swords clashing from down in the valley. Of course, Kaien laughs so loud and without any regard for politeness or decorum that she doesn't have to strain her ears to hear him. As the gentle breeze wafts through her hair, she lets her eyes slide shut against the fierce longing that grips her heart. Resting her chin on her knees, she wraps her arms tightly around her legs. Why did she come here?

"He's really something, huh?" says an unexpected voice.

She jumps in surprise as the third seat of her division drops down beside her onto the grass. "Shiba-dono!" Rukia starts to stand, but Shiba Miyako puts a hand on her shoulder to keep her in place.

"Oh, you can call me Miyako-san, Rukia-chan," she says. Her eyes shine bright as new coins. "I know Kaien has you addressing him informally. We can be friends, too, can't we?"

Can they?

Flustered, Rukia stutters out, "He— he wouldn't let me call him 'Vice-Captain'—"

"Well, then I suppose I'll have to take a lesson from my husband and _force_ you into friendship." She attempts a stern expression, but it only lasts a few seconds before the façade dissolves into giggling.

Rukia tries to smile, but the stretch of her mouth feels all wrong.

She summons up her courage to explain why she's sitting here, watching Kaien-dono, even though Miyako hasn't asked. However, just then a splash of water suddenly hits her square in the face. "Gah!"

Miyako gets sprayed as well. "Idiot!" she yells.

Kaien laughs, twirling Nejibana easily through his fingers, and calls back something Rukia misses because there's water in her ears.

"He's going to pay for that," Miyako says cheerfully as she wrings out her hair.

Rukia says nothing. She bows her head in embarrassment as she realizes that Kaien must have known she was here all along. How could she be fooling anyone when she's this pathetically obvious?

She flinches when Miyako suddenly reaches over and pushes her soaked bangs out of her eyes. "There you are. He didn't get it up your nose, did he?"

Rukia shakes her head in the negative and, satisfied, Miyako shifts her attention back to Kaien. "Just _look_ at him," she says, groaning theatrically.

Rukia's face burns because she _was_ looking, though Miyako doesn't seem upset with her. She never does.

"What a ridiculous show-off," she adds with a wink at Rukia.

Kaien's showing off all right. The new recruit he's currently training with has been reduced to slack-jawed amazement as Kaien darts around him with increasingly complicated— and unnecessary— techniques. The rest of the training group members have paused in their own matches to watch Kaien's one-man show. Their claps and cheers just spur him on.

Rukia watches in awe as Kaien somehow manages to execute a particularly impressive move involving a would-be killing strike while still mid-flip. Landing perfectly, he turns a big, foolish grin in their direction. Rukia's heart immediately speeds up, but then she realizes that he's probably looking at his wife. Of course he is.

Miyako laughs and waves him off. Kaien shrugs as if to say, _"Show off? Who, me?"_

Rukia drops her gaze to where her fingers clutch the fabric of her hakama.

Why did she come here?

"Such a fool," Miyako says fondly.

Something cold plunks down on her head. Glancing up, Rukia blinks in surprise when she sees that the bright sun has disappeared behind dark clouds. The whole sky has gone gray. Strange. Just moments ago— wasn't the sky clear and blue?

Another raindrop lands on her cheek. A shiver of anxiety laces up from her stomach. She hates the rain.

Miyako's voice suddenly becomes serious. "A fool, but he has a big heart, doesn't he? Maybe too big. Sometimes, he does foolish things. You understand that, don't you?"

A crack of thunder causes Rukia to visibly flinch. Why does she feel like this, like every hair on her body is standing on end?

"He's very fond of you. You're fond of him, too, aren't you?"

"What?" Rukia asks, distracted. She reluctantly pulls her eyes down from the sky. "What did you say, Miyako… dono?" She can't bring herself to call her 'Miyako-san.'

Miyako smiles sadly, and it's so incongruous to how mirthful she was just moments ago that Rukia stares. "How long have you been sleeping with my husband, Rukia-chan?"

Horror hits her like another splash of ice water to the face only to be followed by the hot wash of shame.

She knows. Miyako-dono knows. Rukia never wanted it to come to this, but she's been so weak and Kaien-dono so beautiful… She begged him to be more discrete but he… What are they going to do? What will people say when they—?

Wait. Hold on.

"How long?" Miyako repeats patiently.

Rukia opens her mouth and then closes it again. Confusion replaces her panic.

This isn't how it happened.

Miyako can't know about them because she and Kaien weren't sleeping together yet at the time of this conversation. Miyako never asked her that. She had no reason to do so. She said something else, something like, "What's with that glum face, Rukia-chan?"

Another icy draft draws a shiver from her. Something flickers in front of her face, something shiny and white that dances in the wind. Rukia instinctively snatches it out of the air and brings it up to her face. A ribbon? No, not just a ribbon. A _familiar_ ribbon.

Turning her head, she sees Sodeno no Shirayuki sticking out of the ground near her arm. Why didn't she notice her there before?

Oh. _Oh_.

Her head shoots up as she abruptly remembers—

"_You're probably going to want to pick this up, Rukia-chan."_

_"Why?"_

_Her smile is unpleasant. "Because this is going to be over ____really __fast if you don't."_

Rukia has all of a second to pull her sword from the ground and bring it up to block as Miyako's sword comes down on her head. The heavy impact knocks her over, but instead of bracing herself, she rolls with the momentum. Rolling down the hill— fast, too fast— she comes to an abrupt stop as her back smashes up against a large rock. She hisses in pain.

Unperturbed, Miyako takes her time following Rukia down the hill. "Aaroniero was right," she says. "You really haven't improved much. That's disappointing."

Using Shirayuki as a brace, Rukia pushes herself— too slow, too painful— to her feet. Pain rips up her back, but she bites back the cry that wants to escape her mouth. "Why…" she gasps, "are you doing this?"

"No, no, that's a _boring_ question." A coy smile turns up the corner of her mouth. "A better question would be why are _you_ doing this?"

The words don't make sense, so she dismisses them in favor of what she knows to be true. "You're dead."

"Fair observation," she says, moving too close for comfort.

Gripping her sword tightly, Rukia edges backward despite knowing that she shouldn't give Miyako any further ground. It's like her feet aren't listening to the orders from her brain. "You tried to drown me."

"So melodramatic, Rukia-chan. I'm just having a little fun. Do you remember what that is?" She pauses at the foot of the hill and gives Rukia a beatific smile. "Besides, if I wanted to drown you, then you'd be drowned."

She tries to tap down her panic so she can start thinking clearly, but between the pain and the certainty that she can never take Miyako— it's hard. She takes another step back. Miyako mirrors her and takes one forward, clearly playing with her.

This doesn't make sense. Miyako wouldn't do this. Miyako was kind and patient and _perfect_.

"This is another dream," Rukia whispers. She holds her sword up, but her hands are shaking. "I have to wake up. I just have to _wake up_."

The mocking smile slowly leaves Miyako's face. "What makes you think you aren't awake now?" she asks gravely. "And that the other place isn't the dream?"

The question summons an unease that threatens to unravel her, but she says, "No, this is the dream. Because you're here, and you're dead."

"Yes, I'm here," she concedes, "but Kaien is _there_, and he's dead, too."

Rukia stills as the buzzing fear and confusion in her mind suddenly go quiet.

"And technically, by human world standards, you're dead as well. So where does that leave us all— metaphysically speaking?"

It's like someone else is speaking from far away when she says, "Kaien-dono isn't dead."

"What?"

"I said that he didn't die," she says quietly but with increasing conviction. "It was a mistake. He was in Hueco Mundo, but I brought him home. It was all a mistake. You're dead. Not him. Not _him_," she repeats.

"_You're dead, not him_," Miyako mocks. "You really are unbelievable. But I understand. I do. After all, things have really worked out for you, haven't they? You have a lot invested in this now that I'm finally out of the picture and you have my husband all to yourself. Just like you always wanted, right?"

Rukia stumbles back another few feet. She's going to be sick. "No…" She never asked for this, for Miyako to die so she could… If she ever allowed herself to entertain such an ugly wish, then she… deserves all this.

"I think _yes_." Miyako giggles suddenly. "You know, we used to laugh about you. Silly little girl with her silly little crush. Kaien could barely keep a straight face."

"Stop it."

"Why? I'm only telling you what you already know."

Rukia swallows down the _fear-hurt-rage_ she feels boiling up inside her. "You're lying."

"Why so defensive?" she asks, circling Rukia in a confident, deliberate manner. "You got the last laugh, didn't you? He didn't want you, treated you like a kid, and you stuck your sword through his chest. Talk about a wolf disguised as a lamb! Kaien didn't think you had the killer instinct— none of us thought you'd ever amount to much of anything, actually. But you sure showed us!"

Rukia shakes her head as if she could shake off the implications of what Miyako's saying. She can't listen to this. Miyako's trying to break her down, so she can't listen…

"He was so kind to you, and you _murdered_ him," Miyako says with sick glee. "Definitely didn't see that one coming, Rukia-chan! And now you've managed to get everything you've ever wanted— right under our noses. Took a few decades, but you've done it! I don't know about _you_, but all that strikes me as damn funny."

Rukia's trying to remain strong against this emotional assault, but here her hand falters and her sword drops by a fraction. Before Aaroniero, no one has ever used the word 'murder' to describe what she did to Kaien— not to her face anyway. It used to frustrate her. As if she didn't know exactly what happened that night, as if she didn't still feel his blood on her hands. But hearing it now and from Miyako of all people…

She and Kaien never talk about what she did. She's tried to bring it up, but he bats the topic away as if it were an annoying insect buzzing around his face. She can assume she's forgiven, but it isn't enough. It's never enough. It… never will be.

Miyako reaches out and touches her cheek. From this close, Rukia sees that Miyako's eyes are dark and fathomless. Like a mouse caught in the gaze of a cobra, she can't move or look away.

"Do you wonder if he thinks about that night when you're in bed together? When he gets too rough, too aggressive, do you think he's remembering how you stabbed him and sent his body away to be eaten by that beast, Aaroniero?"

With a wet gasp, Rukia remembers herself and shrinks away from her. How did Miyako get so close? She puts her sword up between them. "Stay away from me."

"If only."

The sound of steel on steel momentarily distracts them both.

She had forgotten the people sparring down in the valley, but the sound of their battles brings their presence back into stark focus. Kaien's here, she remembers. And there's a monster wearing his dead wife's face.

"Do you think he'd be glad to see me?"

Rukia's gaze swings back to Miyako in alarm.

"No," she says softly. "I don't think so. You've seen to that."

Something like shame coils around her heart. She never intended to…

"You've erased me from his heart," Miyako continues, "and made it as if I never existed. Cut him up into ill-fitting pieces so you could put him back together as something more convenient to the darkness in your heart. Maybe I should return the favor."

Her gaze flicks tellingly over to Kaien.

Her eyes lock with Miyako's in a breathless moment.

Rukia moves first. Instantly forgetting her pain, she spins on her heel and dives towards the heart of the valley. Her only half-coherent thought urges her to get there first. _Don't let her…_

"Kaien-dono!" she cries.

Kaien's helping adjust the other shinigami's stance, but he pauses at her call and turns in surprise. Rukia doesn't bother with slowing down even as she nears him because she has to reach him first, no matter what. She can't hear Miyako running behind her, but she must be in pursuit.

When she's within an arm's reach, Rukia launches herself at him, hand outstretched to grab his arm.

Her hand goes right through him.

She's going too fast to stop in time, and the surprise at the lack of solidity blocking her throws off Rukia's balance. She stumbles forward, tripping over her own feet. Her whole body passes through him. Cold sensation douses her from head to toe as she staggers forward several feet passed where she meant to stop.

Upon regaining her balance, she looks down at herself in confusion. Bizzarely, she's soaking wet. Her wet uniform clings to her body, and her hair hangs heavy in her eyes.

She turns back to Kaien. And stares in horror.

Kaien isn't Kaien. He's become transparent, transformed into liquid. His face, his body, his hands— all water. There's a moment when he looks confused and maybe a little frightened just before he dissolves entirely into a puddle that spills out into the grass.

He's gone.

Rukia's legs give out, and she collapses to the ground. She doesn't notice. How… how could he be gone? Kaien-dono…

The members of the training squad are all gone now, too. She's alone with…

When she finds it, Rukia's voice comes out ragged. "Where is Kaien-dono?"

Miyako casually walks passed her to the spot where Kaien was just standing. Her hands are clasped loosely behind her back. "I think you've seen enough of my husband lately, don't you?"

Rukia winces at that, but she stubbornly repeats her question. "Where is he? What did you do with him?"

"You're so afraid," Miyako says, tilting her head in mock confusion. "But is it even really Kaien?"

Rukia stops breathing.

"Or could he be some_one_ or some_thing_ else entirely? What did you bring back with you from the depths of Hueco Mundo? Rukia-chan, what have you _done_?"

Rukia squeezes her eyes shut and tries to remind herself that this is all a dream. There's no real reason to panic if none of this is real. She doesn't have to listen. "Wake up, wake up, wake up," she hisses to herself.

"If you're dreaming, then why are you so afraid?"

And why does she feel the sting of cold air on her wet skin? Why does her back feel as if it's on fire? Can you feel real pain in a dream? Rukia doesn't know.

Her eyes widen as a sudden realization comes to her. "He was here before!"

"Who?"

"In the dreams from before, Kaien-dono was here." She lifts her head and glares. "He was trying to warn me."

Something flickers in Miyako's eyes and she says, almost eagerly, "Was he?"

"Yes."

"About what, Rukia-chan?"

"Maybe about _you_."

At that, Miyako groans. "Oh, dear. We seem to be getting nowhere here." She starts twirling her sword around her wrist in a way that reminds Rukia of Kaien's release state. She follows the movement with trepidation.

"Pick up your sword," Miyako says coldly, causing Rukia to start in surprise. She hadn't realized she'd dropped it.

"Drop her again and I'm going to take your head off."

Rukia only pauses for a second due to confusion at this order before retrieving Shirayuki from where she's fallen by her knees. She struggles to her feet just in case Miyako's planning to attack again.

"Why do you think you're here, little girl? Why do you keep coming back? Have you thought about it at all?"

"I don't know what you're talking about! Just tell me where he is!"

"Are you really so worried? Even if all of this is just a dream?"

This _is_ a dream, but even her certainty in this fact does little to quell her growing anxiety. "Yes! Now, _where is he_?"

"Right here."

She looks up into Kaien's face…

… and screams.

It's that face from her nightmares, the one with the missing eyes, green skin, and horrible tongue. There's a sword sticking out of his chest. His blood flows between them as he reaches red hands for her. "Little girl…"

She's screaming, still screaming, as Rukia lurches backward to escape that terrible grip. She trips, stumbles, and falls— her only thought to avoid touching those loathed hands.

But what should be solid ground that meets her gives way under her weight. She collapses with a splash into what at first feels like water.

It isn't water.

Somehow, it's the grass itself, grown long and slick like gelatin. As if it were quick sand, the grass sucks her down to the waist and holds her there. Struggling against the gooey not-grass does her no good. She's trapped.

The hollow should be bearing down on her now, trapped and helpless as she is, but it's Miyako who stands over her. "Kaien's coddled you," she says. "Always has. But I won't."

Rukia attempts another experimental tug of her body only to slump again in defeat. "You know _nothing_ about Kaien-dono because you're _not_ Miyako-dono."

Miyako ignores her. "One last time, Rukia-chan," she says. "Why are you here?"

Aware of the danger, but helpless to answer any other way, Rukia says, "I don't know."

"Wrong answer."

Rukia hears it before she feels it— a strange rumbling sound that becomes a shaking of the very earth around her. At first, she thinks it's an earthquake, but then a great cracking sound like thunder draws her gaze up to the hills. The valley seems to give a great shudder, and then she hears the rupture of wave against rock, like the bursting of a damn, as the tallest hill transforms into water.

She watches in terror as the hill collapses in on itself, and an avalanche of deafening waves come hurtling down into the valley— straight for her.

"You can't die in a dream," she whispers just before the water crushes down on her. The wave is so heavy that it feels like being hit by a block of cement, and the water sucks her down like a ravenous predator. She spins and jerks helplessly through the current as it pulls her down, down, down...

_What's wrong with her, damn it?_

Renji?

_Such a strange fever_, someone else says.

_Not just a fever_, Urahara says, for whom else could sound so arrogantly certain? _Overdose_.

But then that other place pulls away from her and Rukia finds herself alone in the darkness.

Rukia drifts along for what feels like an eternity, each moment stretched out impossibly, before the darkness finally grows tired of her and she rolls out of the surf and onto solid ground.

She lies still as the waves, cold and dispassionate, roll over her. Awareness slowly comes back, and Rukia eventually pulls herself up onto her hands and knees. She feels tired and limp, but she still struggles to her feet and stumbles out of the surf's reach.

Rukia glances around at her latest surroundings and experiences a new sense of dread. She's in a cave. Again. What's worse, this is_ the_ cave, the one with high obsidian walls and patches of water and ice— the one from her dreams.

It's with a heavy heart that she slowly turns to face what she instinctively knows will be waiting here for her.

Just as Rukia feared, the fallen shinigami still lies right where she left her. But, this time, the dream veil has been lifted and what was once an amorphous, androgynous shape is now clear and distinct. The shinigami has short dark hair and a broken sword grasped by motionless fingers. It's impossible to understand how she could have mistaken her for anyone else.

She feels strangely detached as she approaches the body. Lowering herself to her knees, she sits an arm's length away, close enough to touch but not closer than she can stand. There are so many emotions this should conjure up in her, but all she feels is cold. She and the body remain beside each other, motionless. After a while, Rukia loses track of time, but that doesn't seem very important right now.

"Do you understand yet?"

The sound of the other voice breaks her daze, and Rukia can only nod jerkily as emotion chokes off her throat.

Miyako goes to stand on the opposite side of the girl. She glances down at the body briefly before fixing Rukia with an intense look. "Whose face does she wear?"

How can she make her say it?

"Whose face? Tell me."

"Mine," she gasps through a shuddering breath. "It's… my face."

And it is. They're somehow standing over Rukia's broken body even as she's down on the ground below them. Kaien saved her— the Rukia still on her feet— and brought her back from the brink of death, but this girl isn't moving because she wasn't saved...

"I died, didn't I?"

Just saying it aloud is too much. She draws a labored breath and then drops her face into her hands.

"What do you think?"

Rukia thinks she failed. She either lost her battle against Aaroniero or else they managed to defeat each other in a pyrrhic victory that took both their lives. She went to Hueco Mundo to save her friend, but she died instead. Inoue could also be dead by now. Everyone could be dead. Chad, Ishida, Renji… Ichigo. And Kaien-dono, brought back just to— no.

_No!_

Something snaps in her, all rationale gone in a flash, and she's up and scrambling away from that body. "_I'm dreaming_!" she screams so loud that her voice echoes back to her in a horrible, shrieking cacophony that stings her ears.

Miyako's eyes close in frustrated resignation. "Rukia-chan…"

She whirls on her, holding out a hand as if to ward off Miyako and her evil tongue. "No! I was just there! I saw Inoue at her house, I was in Ichigo's room, I _touched_ Kaien-dono— and he was _real, _damn it!"

"Was it?"

"I'm not listening to you anymore," Rukia says, turning away. On the far side of the cavern, which is somehow both the room in which she fought Aaroniero and the cave from her dreams, the water forms a gentle pool. She edges her way around the pool and runs her hands over the stone walls in search of… something. There has to be a way out of here. She can't be in here any longer.

"There isn't time for this foolishness," Miyako says impatiently. "Come here, Rukia-chan."

"No."

"All right. But remember that you left me no choice."

Rukia jerks back in anticipation of a swift attack, but the rocks block her path and Miyako's too fast. She catches Rukia's sleeve and yanks forward so that Rukia falls. In the second that she becomes aware of this crucial loss, Miyako gets a hold on her neck, and she's thrust forward and down to her knees at the edge of the pool.

"Stop," she gasps, and then her head is pushed into the water.

Her hell is made of water.

She thrashes about in panic, but Miyako's grip is made of iron. Somewhere in her mind, beyond the fear and the pain, Rukia knows that her only chance of prolonging her life is to keep her mouth closed, to keep the water from invading her airways. Except she can't breathe, she's going to drown, and her lungs are desperate to suck in air even where none exists. She opens her mouth even as she expects to breathe in water and—

Air.

The world tilts again as she jerks up into a sitting position, choking and gasping in sweet, delicious air. She can breathe! Her throat, her chest, everything hurts, but she can't stop gulping down that air.

"Rukia?"

It takes some effort, but she slowly lifts her head and meets a familiar pair of eyes.

"Ich…igo?"

"Yeah," he says, sounding relieved.

What is he doing here? How did…? A rush of dizziness hits her, and she starts to slump forward, but Ichigo catches her. Her face ends up pressed against his chest. His shirt smells familiar, like fresh laundry. She remembers that smell from the days she spent living in his closet.

She has no idea how he got here, but she's so very glad to see him.

Rukia feels herself being tilted back, but she can't aid the movement because her neck's turned to jelly and her limbs feel too heavy to lift. She's still soaking wet, but it's with sweat now.

"How… did you get here?" she asks him.

"What do you mean?" he says, sounding worried. "I carried you here. You don't remember?"

She doesn't. Carried her from where? Where's Miyako?

"What's wrong with her, damn it?"

Renji? Yes, he's here, along with others.

Tessai leans over her and feels her forehead. He pulls back one of her eyelids for a better look at her pupils. Rukia's too weak to fight him off. She moans in protest. "Such a strange fever—"

"Not just a fever," Urahara says. He holds up a bottle— Unohana's pills— and shakes it to show that the bottle is empty.

"Overdose," Rukia murmurs, though no one seems to hear.

"Overdose," Urahara says.

Renji says something else, but understanding him requires more effort at the moment than she can spare. Fever or overdose, the fire under her skin feels as if it's consuming her whole body. It's too hot in the room. The sheets of the bed are almost unbearable against her flushed skin.

She squirms uncomfortably until a warm hand suddenly grips hers. Her palms are already damp with sweat and the addition of another warm hand only makes it worse, but then someone takes pity on her and places a cold rag against her forehead.

She sags in relief, and someone whispers something soothing-sounding into her ear. Rukia thinks she sleeps, but it's hard to tell the difference between asleep and awake with everything mired in oppressive heat and gleamed through sweat-stung eyes.

Eventually, the towel disappears and the people in the room change. Around her, the world moves at an accelerated pace while she remains stagnant. There's arguing and whispering, but none of it reaches her. Their voices fly over her like distant birds.

She can still feel Miyako's grip holding her down. Throughout everything she perceives here, she also experiences the cut of the ground into her knees and the pain in her neck from where she's being held under the water.

At one point, Kaien appears at her side. He climbs over her and presses his mouth to hers. She tastes blood and death. He comes at night, and when the sun returns, he becomes Ichigo. Ichigo, who hovers over her with that ridiculous scowl on his face even though everyone can probably see the concern he's failing to conceal. They rotate in tandem, like the sun and the moon.

While Ichigo's daytime visits always seem to be rooted in routine— bitch at her, bitch at Renji, bitch at anyone unfortunate enough to walk by— Kaien's nocturnal visits become increasingly surreal. He comes, kisses her, and smears hot, coppery blood over her mouth and cheeks. The taste coats her tongue. None of this can really be happening, and in fact feels more like a dream than anything before. But the taste remains.

Whose blood is it?

For the first time, genuine fear, bright and sharp, pierces her fugue.

_"Rukia-chan, what have you _done_?"_

She reaches out, lightning fast, grabs a fistful of t-shirt, and yanks forward. "_Where do you go during the day?"_ she wants to demand. _"What have you been doing?"_

But it's Ichigo she pulls over her. Caught off guard, he barely manages to catch himself before he crushes her under him. "The hell, Rukia?"

She doesn't know if he's real or not.

"Where," she croaks, "did he go?"

"What?"

"Kaien-dono!" she cries. "Where is he?"

Ichigo's face clouds over. He tries to pull back, but she's still gripping his shirt. "How the hell should I know?"

"_Ichigo!"_ He flinches at the anger in her voice. Why doesn't he seem to understand the urgency of this moment? "Where is Kaien-dono?"

"Why? What's wrong?"

So many things.

Her grip weakens and she falls back to the bed. Ichigo fades away like a mirage as she descends back into darkness.

Miyako's voice enters Rukia's mind with serpentine stealth.

_Now, Rukia-chan, which is real?_

Here, there— they're both real. And both just fever dreams.

"I don't know," she whimpers in the darkness. "I don't know."

_You do._

"No."

_You can't stay between forever. There isn't much time left. Time to make a choice._

"I can't…"

_You must. You will.  
_

"But…"

_Wake up, Rukia-chan. _

_

* * *

~*~  
_

Her fever breaks sometime around midnight, and Rukia wakes with a gasp.

For several seconds, she's too afraid to move. Her eyes adjust slowly to the darkness, and the ceiling of her bedroom soon comes into focus. The room is dark, but it's the normal darkness that comes with night. Someone left a window open, and a cool, twilight breeze passes through the room.

She sits up gingerly, afraid to shatter another illusion. The sheets, moist from her body heat, stick to her skin.

She has to take several slow, bracing breathes before she manages the courage necessary to glance downward. When she sees Kaien sleeping peacefully beside her, Rukia hastily covers her mouth with both hands to stifle an uncontrollable sob.

Without thinking about it, she reaches out with greedy hands and touches him everywhere all over so as to prove to herself that he's really here. He didn't dissolve into water before her eyes, gone from her forever. He's still here.

She crawls over him and desperately kisses her mouth. Still asleep, he mumbles something against her lips that she ignores. Her tears fall on his cheeks, but they're tears of relief as much as sorrow. He no longer tastes of blood and death. He just tastes like Kaien-dono.

Rukia sags into him and buries her face in his neck. She breathes him in, takes in his scent as if she'll need to remember this later. He still doesn't wake as his arms close around her, and she stifles another sob in his collar. She's never wanted to admit it to herself, but there have been times when Rukia's feared that Kaien never came back to life at all, that he's just a reflection of the darkest, most secret wishes of her heart.

But if Kaien isn't real, then Rukia isn't real either, and she must have died in Hueco Mundo. Maybe Aaroniero really did drive his blade through her body. Maybe there was never an Aaroniero at all, and Rukia conjured him herself out of desperation during her last moments of consciousness.

But if they're both dead, then at least they're dead together this time.


	10. Deluge: Chapter 10

Title: _What You Wish For_.

Author: Starvinbohemian.

Rating: M.

Pairings: Rukia/Kaien and with all the implications this would have on Rukia/Everyone Else.

Summary: _"Drown not thyself to save a drowning man." _An AU wherein Aaroniero really was Kaien. Rukia comes to terms with what it would have meant for Kaien to be alive.

**What You Wish For**

**Part Three:**

**Deluge**

"_past sidewalk ashes  
a last lovers arc  
you come apart to intertwine  
it was all so simple  
as you watched him move  
across the darkness in your room…_

… _you love him  
you love him for yourself  
you love him and no one, no one else  
you love him  
you love him more than this  
you love him and you cannot, you can't resist… _

… _you love him."_

— "Daphne Descends" by the Smashing Pumpkins.

_Chapter Ten…_

_The night nightmares are made of…_

They never should have come.

Rukia doesn't know it yet, but forever after this, the sound of thunder will be laced with the memory of cruel laughter. Dark skies will mean a ghost weight pressing down on her chest. Rain drops— all the tears she'll bottle up for years and years— will be the mocking of her most colossal, life-defining failure. Rainy days ruined, always.

But for now, for the last time, on this night, rain is just water as it slides down her face, into her eyes, and she is blind.

Kaien isn't moving. He hasn't struggled or tried to stand at all. It's been too long. Or maybe it's only been a second.

Rukia is half his size. Over and over again the thought repeats itself: his full weight is in her arms, and she's _half his size _and with barely a quarter of his strength. Her feet press deep into the mud with a sickening squelch.

Nonetheless, with bent knees and locked legs, she braces herself under his bulk. She won't let him fall.

"Kaien-dono?" she whispers.

Around them, the trees have gone quiet. All she hears are her own labored breaths and Kaien-dono's soft wheezing in her ear. The rain falls; she barely feels it. Later, the cold will feel like ice in her veins as the heat leaves his body despite her pleading and sobbing and her hand pressing against the wound she gave him. Now, she feels nothing but lost and alone in this moment.

Captain Ukitake stands nearby. He watches them with his sad eyes, but that's all he does. Why doesn't he help her? He can't give up. It can't end like this.

Kaien's voice startles her. "Captain…thanks for letting me… fight until the end…"

Her stomach drops. They never should have come here. This was a mistake— she can feel it in her bones. They should have waited. She should have listened to her captain. Ukitake had called her an idiot for coming back… but how could she just leave him there like that? How could she run and escape alone like a coward? "Kaien-dono?"

As he struggles to breathe, to speak, she feels his fingers clutch at her back. "Kuchiki… I dragged you into this… My stubbornness has caused you pain… I'm sorry. You must be torn apart inside." His voice grows fainter, and she regrets prompting him to speak at all when he should be conserving his strength. A shiver of despair threatens to snap what little control she still feels.

But no, there's still time. They can get him to Captain Unohana. She'll help. There's still time…

Kaien is still trying to speak. "Thanks… to you… my heart… can still stay here…"

She waits for more, but there won't be more, not ever again. Kaien's hand falls from her back, flopping against his side. Lifeless.

Her legs buckle. They fall.

It's the end of the world.

* * *

_Within the nightmare…_

"Kuchiki?"

Was that rain she heard, dripping on the roof?

"Kuchiki? _Rukia_?"

Startled, she straightens and says, "Yes, Captain! I'm sorry, Captain!" This is a meeting, she remembers, and she's supposed to be at attention.

"You still seem ill, Kuchiki. Are you absolutely certain you're feeling better?" The transmitter magnifies her captain's concerned face across Inoue's wall. He looks as tired as Rukia feels.

And so she tries to smile and look, if not well, then at least not deserving of such an anxious look. It's surprisingly hard to do when her body feels on the verge of shattering into a thousand pieces. She can hide her shaking hands in the pockets of her kosode, but she can't hide the dark circles under her eyes or the way she keeps swaying on her feet despite an iron will to the contrary.

"Yes, Captain," she manages. "It was only a fever. I am fully recovered." _Liar, liar, liar…_ "I apologize that my reports were late," she adds.

What she should really apologize for is the fabrications in the reports. The only reason she was allowed to bring Kaien to the living world in the first place was because she committed to sending daily reports on his progress. In other words, to keep an eye on him. What good is a spy who does not see?

Or one who lies?

"Don't apologize when you were so ill!" he says with a weak laugh. "I was worried! Abarai-san made it sound as if you were dying!"

Rukia shudders. Within the fever dream, drifting through the water, it had felt like a death. But here she still stands, shaken but alive. "Vice-Captain Abarai has a problem with exaggeration."

Ukitake accepts this, because it is easier than seeing the truth, she thinks. But that is probably unfair, considering.

Dropping her gaze, she sees that the early morning light cast through Inoue's windows has reached her feet, the shadows having retreated to the edge of her toes. The light is too bright for a rainy day. Strange that she never felt the warmth against her legs.

Through the walls, she can hear Inoue's neighbors starting to rise to begin their day. For them, it is early. For Rukia, who never slept, it is so painfully late. She envies them for their still-warm beds. Time moves differently in Soul Society, and so she does not know if for her captain this is an early or a late meeting. She doesn't have the energy to ask.

Her captain's expression becomes solemn as his gaze slides behind her, as if he can see through the walls of Inoue's apartment to where Kaien and Inoue are waiting outside. "How is he?"

Inoue, a thankfully early riser, was kind enough to offer Kaien distraction, unknowingly (or maybe knowingly) saving Rukia from the awkward task of telling Kaien that she and Ukitake would be meeting privately. When she left them, they were playing some kind of game involving string wrapped around their fingers.

"He's… well."

"No… problems?"

She wonders what kind of problems her captain is expecting. He couldn't know, couldn't possibly have any idea, what is happening or else he would never have allowed, let alone suggested, that Kaien come here. Right?

Suddenly, madly, she considers telling him. Everything. It would be so easy to hand over her heavy responsibility to more capable hands. Her captain would fix everything.

_And what would you say_, she then asks herself. That his beloved Miyako, whom Ukitake loved like a daughter, tried to kill her in a dream? That Kaien may or may not have committed the unspeakable? That Rukia fears having lost her own grip on reality or that she now doubts whether reality even exists anymore? Forget Kaien— they would lock her away.

Her tongue feels heavy as lead. "None, Captain."

Ukitake's relief is palpable, and her heart sinks. "And how is Kurosaki-kun doing?" he asks in a much lighter tone.

Rukia feels too ashamed to admit that she has no idea. Ichigo was at the shoten after she woke from the fever, but that morning had quickly devolved into heated arguments and accusations and ended with her having kicked everyone out. She hasn't seen Ichigo since.

_Ichigo is still yelling at her through the screen— for she has locked herself in the bathroom— "If he hurts someone, Rukia—"_

_Her reflection in the mirror glares haggardly back at her through limp bangs. "If you hurt _him_, I will never forgive you. Not _ever_, Ichigo."_

Rukia clears her throat. Her words need to be chosen carefully. "He and Kaien-dono have not… They are not building the mentor relationship we had hoped for. If anything… their relationship is antagonistic."

To her astonishment, Ukitake laughs. "That doesn't surprise me."

"Captain?"

The look he gives her is fond. "Some things can't be helped."

He doesn't understand. Rukia stares hard at a crack in Inoue's wall. Her fingernails dig painfully into her palms, and she almost doesn't say what she does next.

"Despite what was said at the last meeting, I… I think Kaien-dono and I should return to Soul Society sooner than we agreed on. Vice-captain Abarai, too. All of us."

Ukitake's face falls immediately. "You said there were no problems."

"Not so far, Captain, no," she says reluctantly. "But I fear that there could be."

He doesn't ask her what kind of problems she fears occurring, which says plenty unto itself. "What about Kurosaki-kun?" he asks a bit desperately. "Hasn't it done him good to have _you_ there?"

_No_, she thinks dejectedly. _It hasn't_. Rukia regrets letting her captain down, but either way she turns she is hurting someone. Last time, she had backed him up against the intimidating force of Kuukaku Shiba and her brother, but that was so clearly a mistake.

"Ichigo will be fine. He has other mentors."

When Ukitake's eyes widen, it occurs to her that she might have come off as callous. She hadn't meant to. She thinks it goes without saying that she cares about Ichigo's wellbeing, but Kaien needs her now. She doesn't understand why Inoue and Ukitake think Ichigo does, too. Ichigo has a large support system. Kaien has her.

"Ichigo is still learning how to handle his enormous power," she clarifies, "but at this time, unless a larger threat emerges, I feel we are just in the way."

Ukitake sighs. "His family is here. They've been waiting to see Kaien. I was hoping they would see how much better he was doing since they last saw him."

Kuukaku is going to murder her.

"Maybe a visit with his siblings will cheer him up."

It didn't before.

Rukia tries not to feel frustrated with him. He doesn't understand the situation, and that's her fault. She doesn't know how to make him understand without spelling it out, and she can't do that. It feels disloyal to even think it herself, but it suddenly feels very important that, if nothing else, Ukitake comprehends that having Kaien in the living world is dangerous. Maybe especially for Kaien.

"I don't believe it's just an issue of temperament," she says. "When Ichigo and Kaien-dono fight… I'm worried they might provoke each other to…" She can't bring herself to say what they might do.

Ukitake's head falls forward so that his long hair hides his eyes from her. "Kuchiki," he says solemnly, "I wasn't going to mention it, but…"

If it's possible, then her unease grows deeper. "What is it, Captain?"

"You and I argued so passionately against giving Kaien over to the twelfth division for study. I'm sorry, but the debate has continued in your absence. And I'm afraid that Captain Mayuri has begun to turn the tide in his favor."

Ukitake doesn't elaborate. He doesn't need to. Despair covers her like a cloak.

He still doesn't look her in the eye as he asks, "Is anyone actually endangered by having him there? Do _you_ feel endangered, Kuchiki?"

That little spirit girl was so frightened. And Ichigo was so angry. But if Kaien goes into that laboratory…

She's trapped. They're all trapped.

"No," she says. "There's no immediate danger."

Ukitake raises his head. There are dark circles under his eyes; they must mirror hers.

His smile is fragile. "Then, please. Enjoy the rest of your vacation."

* * *

Her shoulders are hunched when she emerges from Inoue's apartment. All she wants to do is sleep, and yet she never wants to sleep again. In dreams, Not-Miyako waits for her, and she isn't ready to face the nightmares again.

The morning light is bright enough to burn. How could she have thought it might rain?

Inoue's apartment is on the second story of the building. Kaien and Inoue wait for her at the bottom of the stairs. Rukia pauses at the top of the staircase when she notices Renji sitting on a wall across the street. Even from this far away, she can tell that his expression is grim. She isn't surprised. Resigned and annoyed, yes, but not surprised.

_Rukia can only avoid him for so long before she turns a corner and Renji is there waiting for her. She walks right past him._

_"I didn't take those pills on purpose," she says over her shoulder._

_"I never said you did."_

_His hovering says it all. "Leave me alone. You're bothersome."_

_"You can keep running, but we're going to talk about this."_

_What is there to say?_

Rukia sends him a rude gesture that she thinks will convey her feelings on his amateur stalking. Renji shakes his head, but he disappears from the wall. He'll be back.

Inoue is in the middle of telling an animated story, her hands flying around her head, when Rukia joins them. "Kuchiki-san! I was just telling Shiba-san about how Kurosaki-kun—"

"Kicked your brother's ass," Kaien says with a smirk.

Rukia looks between them. "… oh."

Inoue smiles sheepishly. "Well, that's not…"

"I would have paid good money to see that," Kaien says. He eyes her. "That's some kid, huh?"

"He is," she says warily. He searches her face for something, but she gives nothing away.

Kaien sighs and lets her off the hook. "How is the old man?"

"He's well. Your sister and brother are on the transmission."

Kaien's expression tells her well enough what he thinks about that.

"They miss you," Rukia adds under her breath. Why is he so eager to avoid them?

"What's not to miss? Hey, don't roll your eyes!"

"Kaien-dono…"

He smiles grimly. "Yeah, yeah. Be right back." His hand brushes the back of hers before he bounds up the stairs to the apartment.

She waits until after he's disappeared inside, and then Rukia sinks down onto the bottom step and buries her face in her hands. She just wants to sleep…

Rukia jumps when Inoue touches her arm. She had forgotten the other girl was there. "Sorry, Inoue," she says, "for inconveniencing you so early. I know you have to get to school. Thank you for, well, everything."

"It's no trouble. I told you that." She bites her lip and then says softly, "He's very handsome, Kuchiki-san."

Rukia can't help the blush.

"He looks just like Kurosaki-kun."

Or the wince.

Inoue seems to want to say something else about it, but even as Rukia waits, whatever she wants to say doesn't seem to materialize. Rukia has no idea what to say either.

"Kurosaki-kun wasn't at school yesterday."

Rukia can feel the weariness deep in her skin. Damn it, Ichigo. "Why?"

Inoue drags her shoe over the ground. She looks troubled. Even so, Rukia would have given anything to trade places with her just then, to be pure, beautiful Inoue for a day. "I was hoping Kuchiki-san would know."

Kuchiki-san knows nothing. "I'm sorry, Inoue." And she is. But Inoue is just one more person she's disappointed to add to an already dismaying list.

"That's okay, Kuchiki-san." She glances up at her apartment. "I have to go to school now. Will you and Shiba-san—"

"We'll be fine, Inoue. Thank you," she says again. Her expression becomes wistful when she notices Inoue's book bag. "Have a good day at school."

Rukia watches until Inoue has disappeared around a corner. Then, she lets her eyes close for just a second…

"Kuchiki, are you sleeping?"

She bolts upright. "Of course not. Did you have a nice visit with your family?"

Kaien scowls. "That girl needs to remember who the eldest sibling is here."

She chooses not to comment on that. "Are you ready to head back?"

He shrugs. "Actually, I think I'm gonna patrol for a while. You can come join me after you've had a nap. No offense, but you look like you could use one." He grins so she knows he's teasing her, as if she didn't already know. Under different circumstances, she would have rolled her eyes and teased him back.

Instead, she stares. "Patrol? Alone?"

"Yeah. Patrol. Maybe you'll recall that I used to do that for, oh, a century or so."

The chastising look he gives her tells Rukia that she's embarrassed him. She feels guilty immediately because _of course_ he would want to patrol for hollows. That's why he's supposedly come to the living world, isn't it? To help?

Her voice comes dangerously close to pleading. "Aren't you still hungry? You don't want to get breakfast?"

All week he has been famished. She's watched him devour plates and plates of food at every meal, much to Urahara's deep— cheap— chagrin. It's been a bizarre thing to watch. Even an hour ago, at the twilight hour when they left the shoten, he was muttering about a growling stomach.

"Nah," he says. "Just hungry for some hollows."

Rukia can feel the color draining out of her face. She knows the second he's realized the implications of what he's just said because Kaien looks stricken, too. Then, he catches a glimpse of her expression and becomes exasperated.

"Geez, what's with that look?" She can tell he's going for teasing, but his tone is too angry, too close to defensive to pull it off. "For _hunting_ hollows, Kuchiki. That's what I meant."

"Of course, Kaien-dono," she says easily. Of course that's what he meant.

_Thousands_, an insidious double-voice whispers to her.

Rukia knows she needs to get a grip. But it's like she can't stop herself. Her eyes follow him everywhere, searching for signs of… _something_. No wonder Kaien wants some time to himself. She's been attached to his hip all week, never leaving him alone for longer than necessary.

Much as a certain someone has been hovering over _her_, she thinks with a resentful glance over her shoulder. She believes Renji has left for the time being, but who knows?

And it's because Rukia has been watching Kaien so closely that she's been forced to notice how closely he is always watching her. But unlike her, he doesn't seem suspicious. Just… focused? Is this normal?

With a light touch on his arm, she tries to apologize without embarrassing him further. "All right."

She immediately regrets her tone, because it sounds as if she is giving him permission, when technically, as far as he's concerned, there is no reason for him to need it.

Kaien frowns at her before he slips into shunpo and disappears. As soon as he's gone, she sags a little more.

* * *

It isn't a conscious choice of one over the other, but her feet take her away from Urahara's shoten and toward the last place she felt truly safe.

Once arrived, she tilts her head back and basks in the comfortable familiarity of the Kurosaki house.

Ichigo's window has been left open, as if he somehow knew she was coming. Ichigo himself is nowhere to be seen. Hopefully, that means he's at school, where he belongs.

Rukia hops over the bed and heads for the closet. There's no way Renji could fit comfortably inside, so there isn't a bed prepared. Luckily, both Renji and Rukia have plenty of experience with less than ideal sleeping arrangements.

She knows Renji as she knows the back of her own hand because, in many ways, they were born together in Rukongai; and so she knows that even after all these years, Ichigo's floor would still feel like a luxury to him.

Rukia herself has no compunctions about pulling down enough of Ichigo's t-shirts in order to create a makeshift bed like the one that used to be made of blankets. She shuts the closet door.

Cocooned in darkness and the smell of clean laundry, Rukia finally sleeps.

* * *

_She's lying on her back, looking up at herself and Miyako-dono. They're leaning over her._

_Somewhere to her left, Niisama is fighting a formidable opponent. There are foes everywhere, but also friends (family) that need her. To her right is Kaien, a pulsing knot of pain and need. She thinks he's calling her. Farther out, Ichigo's reiatsu somehow burns hot and familiar on both sides. She senses these things, but she can't turn her head to look._

_She's frowning down at herself. _

_"You're running out of time," Miyako says._

_She's speaking and also watching as the words come out of the other her's mouth. "What am I to do?"_

_"Choose."_

_It hurts too much to turn her head either way. _

"… _I can't."_

* * *

It's the communicator that wakes her. Ichigo's t-shirts scatter as she leaps from the closet.

The sun has moved across the sky and into afternoon since she was last awake; it beats down on her as she runs. Her destination turns out to be a public park. She thinks it's still too early for the children to be out of school.

And thankfully, yes, the park is empty. Too empty. Where is it? She spins. It has to be here somewhere. The communicator pinpointed this location. Her heart has been pounding painfully in her chest since she was awoken so abruptly.

The hollow almost manages to sneak up on her. Almost.

Just in time, Rukia springs backward to avoid the enormous tail that darts out at her legs.

"_That was too close, Kuchiki! You weren't paying attention!"_

An unfortunate tree snaps in half from the impact of the tail. Still invisible, the creature laughs at her. "You're too slow, shinigami!"

"Show yourself!" she demands.

"If you say so." The air shimmers, and then the hollow appears before her, crouched on top of a swing set. The beast is enormous, with bone-white horns protruding from its malformed head. The poles of the swing set creak in warning of a snap. The mask grins at her. "I'm going to enjoy this," he hisses at her.

_Me, too, _she thinks. Rukia draws her zanpaktou. The rush of savage joy is a relief. If nothing else, then this at least she can do. "Come, hollow!"

"So eager! Very well, shinigami, here I come."

Kaien always told her to respect her opponent's size, not just due to difference of strength but also due to their longer reach. This hollow is huge. She circles, keeping her distance.

_"Sorry, Kuchiki, but they're probably always going to be bigger than you." He grins. "But you can still be faster."_

The hollow strikes out at her. Ready, she dodges the first blow. When its giant fist swings back, she has already darted around him. "Hey!"

They're too close to the street. Any minute, someone could walk by and get caught up in the fight.

No one is going to get hurt today. All she has to do is draw him deeper into the park and away from the main street. Decision made, Rukia turns on her heel and runs.

"Hey, where are you going? I thought we were gonna play!"

_Not here_. The monster is right on her heels, close enough that its warm spittle hits the back of her neck. His heavy footfalls pound in her ears. He's too close. There won't be enough time to turn and swing before he barrels into her. Rukia makes a gamble and drops to the ground. His large feet trample beside her head, but he goes right over her.

Jumping to her feet, Rukia raises her zanpaktou. The hollow stumbles to a stop and turns with a furious howl. "I am going to take you apart, piece by delicious piece."

"_Bitch, I'm going to tear you apart!"_

Rukia can't help it— her stance falters and for a crucial moment, it's an entirely different hollow before her. It's a moment she can't afford. The hollow is in front of her again in the time it takes to blink.

"_Really, Kuchiki? You're daydreaming again?"_

She means to parry the blow so she can slip beneath its massive arm for a close hit. But to her great surprise, her zanpaktou bounces off of the hollow's skin as if Sodeno no Shirayuki were made of rubber. Oh, shit.

The backhand sends her flying into a tree. Her back hits the bark with a horrible crunch, and she crumbles to the ground.

The hollow snorts. "That's it? How disappointing."

She grits her teeth against the pain as she struggles to her feet. "No, that's not all. Tsugi no mai, hakuren!"

Nothing happens.

Her confidence vanishes in the second it takes her to realize her zanpaktou has ignored her call. Rukia had reached for the power source and felt nothing there. Sodeno no Shirayuki… why?

The hollow takes advantage of her surprise. Its tail whips around and takes her out, smashing her back against the tree. There are evil stars in her eyes. She knows before she ever tries that there's no getting back up this time. But even with blood in her mouth and her eyes, she still has to try. It's worse than she anticipated. Something in her back snaps, and she screams.

The hollow leans over her with a sadistic grin on its pale face. "This is what they send to protect their precious humans? How embarrassing."

Rukia glares, but says nothing. She isn't going to waste words on a hollow.

"Maybe you won't make such a good meal after all."

She's distracted and hurting, and so she doesn't notice what's about to happen until it's too late. The hollow's tail wraps around her ankle, and then suddenly she's upside down in the air. Rukia nearly chokes on a wet gasp. The pain in her back is blinding.

The hollow brings her up so she's staring directly into his huge jaws. "Ah, well. I'm still going to eat you."

Her arms don't want to cooperate. Damn it…

_She's failed again._

_Rukia can't bear to look at him, but she hears him come up beside her. Kaien sighs and rests his large hand on the crown of her head. "Look, I know you're frustrated. I get it. I've been there. But you can't let the frustration win."_

_"I'm trying so hard, Kaien-dono," she whispers._

_"I know. That's why you're going to get this. Just trust me."_

_Trust me._

_Trust…_

_… me. _

_"If you really want to atone for your sins, then there is something I want you to do, Kuchiki… Bring me the heads of all your friends."_

"Shut up!" she screams. The hollow draws back in surprise, but not before she sends a hot blast of kidou directly into his face. His screams echo around her as she plummets back to the ground.

Rukia had trusted Kaien. Because, like Niisama and Captain Ichimaru, Kaien was a child prodigy. The skills that took her years to learn came as natural as breathing to him. It had been whispered around the squad that Kaien could have been a captain if he wanted to, but he loved Squad 13 too much to leave. When he went into a fight, even against the hollow that had murdered his beloved wife, she trusted him to win. She trusted him because he was that powerful. And because he was her friend.

And none of it mattered. In the end, despite all of his experience, confidence, and natural talents, Kaien still died that night. None of it saved him— from _her_, little mediocre her— and he _died_.

_I'm going to die_, she thinks now, strangely unafraid. Maybe she is too shocked to be afraid when, after everything, it will all end like _this_.

Still screaming, the hollow lunges again for her. He's expecting to bite off her head, but Rukia draws back her zanpaktou and drives it right into his chest. The hollow rears back, his screams more out of agony now than rage, her zanpaktou still caught in his chest.

She's defenseless now.

"Hey! Hey, over here, you bastard!"

Except not.

Rukia can't help the grin when the familiar reiatsu washes over her. Ichigo. He came. Relieved, she lets her head drop back onto the grass.

"I'll get to you after I've devoured her!"

She hears Ichigo snarl, "Not gonna happen!"

Then, the sound of steel clashing, and it's the most comforting sound in the world. All Rukia can see is sky. She painstakingly angles her head so she can see the show because Ichigo in battle is a beautiful thing. There is nothing complicated about that.

The hollow tries the tail trick on Ichigo, and immediately finds himself short a tail. Faster than her eye can catch, Ichigo moves from the ground to the top of the hollow's head. "Get off! Get off!" the monster screams. He shakes his head frantically, and Ichigo slips sideways. But with a firm grip on the hollow's hair, he swings downward with purpose.

No one ever showed Ichigo how to fight. He just knew.

Taking advantage of an opportunity, Ichigo pulls Rukia's zanpaktou from where it's been stuck into the hollow's chest.

Maybe Ichigo is a child prodigy, too.

Before the hollow has time to understand what's been done, Ichigo rams Sodeno no Shirayuki right up under its jaw. The doomed beast swats at him ineffectively, but Ichigo has already returned to the hollow's head. With a ferocious yell, Ichigo raises and then drives Zangetsu down into the hollow's crown.

And it's over.

The hollow dispatched, Ichigo drops down beside her head. "Rukia!"

There was never any doubt that he would win. For all that Kaien and Ichigo resemble each other, Ichigo has never died on her. And she is so, so grateful…

She grins up at her savior. "Moron, I had him."

He scowls. "Shut up! This isn't funny!"

"Who's laughing?" Rukia winces as he awkwardly pulls her into his arms. "Careful, fool."

He surveys her with an anxious look. "Should we go to Inoue?"

Her back is on fire and going to Inoue would mean an easy fix, but maybe this is an opportunity to finally teach him something. "No. Let me show you." Rukia takes his hand and places it against her back. She snorts at the way his eyes widen. "Focus your energy into the wound."

"But… where is the wound?" he asks uncertainly. There has always been someone else to heal him, but that might not always be the case. "I can't see it…"

"It doesn't matter. Just picture my back and your energy pouring in and restoring the tissues."

"Okay. Got it."

She doubts that, but oh well. He could hardly make the situation worse. Relaxing against him, Rukia watches as Ichigo's expression settles into fierce concentration. "Begin."

Rukia is amused to discover that apparently not everything comes easily to him. Unlike Inoue's healing energy, which feels like a soothing balm, Ichigo's energy is halting and jerky, darting forward and then slipping in another direction before the pain has gone.

"Is it working?" he asks.

"Not at all. _Focus_, Ichigo."

"I am!" he snaps. "Damn it, this is hard."

"No, it isn't. Defeating arrancar is hard. This should be easy."

"Shut up. Or you can heal yourself."

"Even like this, I could probably do a better job."

"Rukia," he warns.

"All right," she says with a sigh. "Just focus." Rukia closes her eyes on the sight of his determined face bathed in golden light and endures his awkward attempts at healing. She will be healed— eventually.

They should probably talk about the things that were said the last time they saw each other. They don't, and Rukia is all right with that.

After a while, she opens her eyes to see him regarding her with a solemn expression. "Hmn?"

"What's wrong with you?" he asks. "That hollow was a joke."

Rukia avoids his eyes. "No hollow is a joke. You're overconfident."

"Why are you out here by yourself? I thought Urahara had you on bed rest."

"You do realize that creepy merchant isn't an actual doctor, right?"

"Rukia…"

She isn't going to have another conversation about supposed overdoses. "Anyway, why are _you_ out here? Inoue said you weren't at school yesterday, and you're clearly not there today. Your studies are important, Ichigo."

He rolls his eyes. "As if you would know."

"I do—"

"Just drop it, okay? You're not supposed to be here. I'm not supposed to be here. But we were, and that's one less hollow hurting people today. That's good, isn't it?"

He has her there. Closing her eyes, Rukia gives in. She doesn't really want to talk anyway. She lets him get on with it and doesn't even point out that his healing feels like someone is poking her wound with a particularly bony finger. With her cheek pressed against his chest, she can't help but notice that familiar smell from his closet. Ichigo's reiatsu jumps suddenly.

She looks up at him in surprise. "What's wrong?"

"Stop it."

"Stop what?"

"You're smiling. It's creepy."

"Sorry."

She isn't.

TBC…


End file.
